I Feel Nasty

August 22, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

I live in Los Angeles, the car capital of the country where we worship our cars.  Some of us have no money for anything but we have our shinning cars.  As we drive by each other in our shiny cars we have no idea of the dramas playing out in each one of the cars we pass by.

Last night, for some reason, before going out to meet a friend I decided to pull out my unused make up kits. Without really knowing what I was doing, even though I’m way past the age of not knowing what to do, I started putting dark colors around my eyes.  I was going for a mysterious, dangerous look but mostly ended up with black all over my face and sink. 

After cleaning my face and succeeding at keep the eye shadow mostly around my eyes, I put on my long earrings and I looked in the mirror and felt hot and I felt sexy and I felt nasty. 

And I thought back to the time before I had met Chris, to the time I was afraid of my own feelings and thoughts to the time my womanhood my sexuality got me in trouble and often made me feel guilty.  And I thought about the friendships I left behind so I could leave the troubles there as well.

And I drove to pick up a girlfriend and as she got in the car I told her that I was going to be kissing a man that night.  She offered me a dollar but I said she should do better than that, at least a twenty.  And as I said those words I realized I wasn’t going to go through with it.  I wanted to shake things up to be daring.  I wanted to turn a page.  I wanted to move on but the truth is I am not ready yet.  The future is still the future and the past is still the present.

I understand grief has its own time and process.  I’m always in a hurry wanting things to happen now, but in the same way that I fell in love with Chris by getting to know him so is my process of living without him – a day at a time. 

I know the good, respecting, conscientious Deborah lives side by side with the sexy, provocative, playful Deborah.  The key is to learn how to balance all sides as I try to honor my whole being. Good Saturday.

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