A Love Letter To My Husband

October 3, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog, Popular Posts

I have now been a widow for fourteen months.  I loved my husband as I have never loved anyone in my life before.  When we met it was like we both had won the lottery; neither one of us perfect but perfect for each other.

My loss is huge.  My husband was fun, funny, intelligent, and he wished for my happiness.  He didn’t compete with me and he was so self assured that he gave me all the space to be who I am; a loud, independent, opinionated woman.

When we first met, he didn’t seem to be the kind of man I was usually attracted to. He was nice and he showed real interest in me.  As I got to know him, I learned that what I had pursued in my life had been just appearances: the appearance of a strong man, the appearance of an interesting man, the appearance of a cool man.  My husband didn’t appear to be strong or interesting, he just was. The cool part did not interest him even though I spent many years trying to convince him that it was cool to be cool.

Chris Rubin died of cancer kicking and screaming.  And he worried about me.  He worried no one would know how to take care of me; he knew I needed to be held. He knew me well.  He knew I wrestled with the devil every day. He worried who would hold me when I looked at my reflection in the mirror and a different body from that of my youth looked back at me.

I cleaned my husband’s bed pan and I watched as all the blood in his body filled thirteen plastic containers as his life sipped away from him.

I laid down next to him and watched as he took his last breath in the place he was most comfortable, in my arms.

I miss his laughter, and I miss him calling me his wife; such simple words carrying such deep meanings; “my wife”.

I want to again be in love.  I want to laugh and I want to fall asleep in someone else’s arms but the truth is the thought of that fantasy turning into reality scares me.

Chris Rubin’s love lives within me and his loss make me want to search even more for a meaning to my existence.

Before my husband left, he gave me the gift of love.  He looked deep into my eyes and in that moment he loved me fully.

I want to honor his life and his gift by reminding myself and others to seize each moment and to love with abandonment.

Chris, Christopher, Chris Rubin, I love you, your wife, Deborah.

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Comments

6 Responses to “A Love Letter To My Husband”
  1. Joe Payne says:

    Dear Deborah,
    I happened by your letter to your husband quite by accident. It is beautiful and touched me very much. If you didn’t have your name attached to it I would have thought it had been written by my sister in law. She lost her husband, my brother, to brain cancer 2 1/2 years ago. She adored him. He was an awesome brother….extremely intelligent and very funny at the same time. He had so much energy and zest for living. It seemed like a cruel blow for someone who loved life so much to then have his life taken from him. This just shows that disease does not discriminate.

    Deborah, even though we have not met, I just wanted to send this so that you know someone thought of you today. My own wife and I had spent the last several years gradually growing apart. Recently, this thought about the brevity of life kept eating at me. In short, our relationship is being renewed. Life is too short to waste it apart from those we have been given to love.

    Thank you very much for sharing about your relationship with this man you loved and surely remember today. I wish you the best.

    Joe Payne

    • Dear Joe,

      Thank you for thinking of me “today”. It is a beautiful reminder that when we speak from our hearts we can connect with others in profound ways.

      While we can all get busy with our needs and ambitions, relationships is what truly support and sustain us.

      Today I’m thinking of you and your sister in law.

      Many blessings,

      Deborah

  2. Melli says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so easy to fall in love with love or the idea of being in love. However, real love is about sharing your life with someone,the good and the bad, but I couldn’t imagine what those moments must have felt like for you. Just Don’t Give Up On Love though. It’s hard when u lost someone like that but love will find you again if you look for someone to share your life with and not make the mistake of falling in love with a feeling of love. Deepest sympathies and best wishes!

    • Dear Melli,

      Thank you for your note. I now know love is a state of being and not just an experience. I look forward to sharing my life with someone else. In the meantime I continue to find love for myself and others. All the best.

  3. Diana Levitt says:

    Dear Deborah — an endearing, generous, romantic tribute to sweet Chris. I’m so glad I stumbled on this site. Now I only hope I know how to post this brief few words to you. With love, Diana