The Right Ingredients For A Balanced Relationship

June 14, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Jack and Jill's wedSaturday night I had wine and cheese with two girlfriends at my house.  After a couple of glasses, one of them declared she was finally feeling like she didn’t need to fix everyone that came into her life.

I thought it was an amazing statement because this girlfriend is very kind and it is easy for her to go above board in reaching out.  That might seem like a contradiction when I’m often talking about community and compassion but it really isn’t.  In intimate relationships if we behave like the ultimate caretakers those will be the people we will tend to attract; people in need of ultimate caring.  These relationships are difficult to sustain as they become very one-sided.  One person does the caring the other receives.

If we want to be in healthy relationships, we need to accept people as they are and welcome them to be our partners in the journey of life without needing them to actually do the travel.

While phrases like you “complete me”, “I can’t live without you”, or “You are my other half” make for beautiful poetry and storytelling they describe dysfunctional relationships.  If we are not whole to begin with, as we enter a relationship, changes are our expectations are going to be misguided and misplaced.

For most of my life I searched for men that would rescue and save me.  Because of that every single relationship I had failed either because the men abused the power I gave them, or because we just had little in common.

When I met my late husband, I no longer desired anybody to complete me.  I had made the decision I was already whole. I accepted Chris as he was, including his awful taste in shirts, and I did not put such demands on our relationship to be everything to me.

So, I was happy to hear my friend say she no longer wanted to rescue everyone.  I think she’s well on her way to finally be open to a loving and balanced relationship.

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