Marching Through Changes

June 23, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.  ~Faith Baldwin

Change is unsettling, even if it’s for the better.

We get use to anything, even pain and hurt, and somehow what we know – even if it false – makes us feel secure and gives us some type of referential in life.

My conversation yesterday during my therapy session was about a particular change I’ve been going through the last few years.

Years ago, to cover up my insecurities, I started acting tough.  I remember going to parties and standing in a corner with an attitude that said; I’m too good for this and that’s why I’m standing here looking tough.  The truth was that I was too scared to connect with strangers.  It wasn’t that I sat down one day and decided to start acting tough, it just happened.  But I’ve always also been a very kind person so I started to live in conflict between who I was and how I was presenting myself to the world.  In my tough phase I also found people that supported my behavior.  They too were insecure.

The difficulty is that when we feel insecure we feel like we have to prove ourselves time and time again, it is a lot of pressure to live under.  “Did I say the right thing?”, “Did I do the right thing?”, “Am I admired?”  “Am I loved?” “Am I enough?”

Insecurity robs us from having freedom and spontaneity in life and we end up living like the whole world is resting on our shoulders.

So my path of change had to start with answering the questions posted above.  “Did I say the right thing?”   Maybe yes maybe no but it doesn’t matter.  Most importantly is not a totality of who I am as a person.  “Am I admired?” Yes by me and the people that know and love me not because of climbing Mount Everest or winning 30 Oscars, but because of my value as a human being.  So yes I am also enough.

Making that adjustment in the mind is an unsettling process.  It means letting go of a set of ideas we have held as truths for some time.  As the change starts to become our new reality we can feel off because we don’t have the old behavior to run back to and the new one is still in process.  We may feel lethargic, confused or even a lack of passion because the old behavior and its pressure gave us a false sense of intensity.

So I’m breathing through the changes and looking forward to fully be who I am and not worry about being vulnerable and take real emotional risks because behind my vulnerability is a woman with much experience and self-love.

Happy changing!!!

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