The Real Difference Between Love And Dysfunction
It’s so amazing how we are addicted to chaos and dysfunction. When I was younger I thought if people loved each other they fought, screamed, yelled and then in a fit of passion made up with each other. That concept of love was partially baked at home but the icing came from watching soap operas, films and the headlines of newspapers and news programs.
I had my first boyfriend when I was thirteen. It was an innocent relationship and we stayed together till I was seventeen. But when I had my first argument with him, I actually spat on his face. I didn’t plan to, but somewhere in my mind, I thought that would really show how much I loved him.
I continued to think love meant sacrificing, fighting, not setting limits, and indulging any craziness for a very long time. I only realized I needed to change my understanding after much suffering and a string of very dysfunctional relationships under my belt.
Today I can assure you love is calm, profound and reassuring. Chaos on the other hand is a sign of emotional immaturity and manipulation.
I mentioned in my post yesterday that I had recently gone out with a man I had known for fifteen years for a couple of weeks. At the end of a total of three outings he said he wanted to go back to his ex-girlfriend. He thanked me for coming to that decision due to my disbelief that the reason he had broken up with her was truly due to the distances between the two homes. From that he extrapolated he indeed loved her and now wanted to marry her. I wish him good luck although I knew his reasoning for going back to her was as unstable as the reason he had left her.
Anyway, I got a call from the girlfriend yesterday wanting to talk to me to find out what kind of a man this person actually is – her words – especially now that he was talking about marriage.
I have to confess I was taken aback by her message. I wondered why she would call me to ask what I thought, when my relationship had been so insignificant. I then remembered he had also told me this woman is very jealous and controlling and I realized these two people are locked into an unhealthy co-dependent dynamic. Why would anyone be considering spending the rest of their lives with someone who doesn’t trust them? My answer is: I don’t know.
When I eventually understood what love and relationship could and should be, I met my late husband. There was no drama or chaos in our lives. We both had plenty before and had decided we no longer wanted that. We didn’t fight instead we used our energy to support and advance the choices we both made. We didn’t own one another and there was no need of any inquisition to find out where we stood, because we trusted each other.
It has taken me many years to understand that suffering, drama and chaos are not a sign of love but a sign of dysfunction. It was a hard change to make because our systems get used to the adrenaline and our minds get thrown off their game but once we make the decision to look within and to change, life accelerates in bringing us confirmation of being on the right track.