Learning To Love In A Different Way

June 27, 2011 by  
Filed under Featured

Just came across the below post, and wanted to share.  The writer, Martha Beck, states that waiting for a specific outcome from a person, ends any possibility of unconditional love.  The reason being we are not loving them as whom they are, but as how we would like them to be.

We all have one time or another, issues with partners, family members, friends or work associates.  But some of us have the chronic issue filled relationships; the ones we spend a lifetime trying to get it right, but never quite get there.

If you are like me, and have a couple of those, then you too experience your share of suffering.  Because the truth is, no matter what we do, we can’t change the other person.  So if we keep going at it the same way, we will only get the same frustrating results.

Martha Beck says that the way out of this conundrum is to love unconditionally; which means to accept the other as they are.  But here is the key to the success of this new way of loving; we must go on about our business without any expectations.  What she – and I concur – suggests is: do and be how you think is the right way for you and let the other person have the same right.

Let me give an example:  let’s say I had a brother who no matter what I did, always thought I didn’t do enough.  Each time I try to participate and do more – even to my own detriment – hoping that my brother will think of me as giving person.  But somehow that never seems to happen.  No matter what I do, it is never enough.  So I can keep on hoping he’ll change and therefore I will get a different result or I can change my way of being.  Because the truth is; he won’t change just because I want to.  What I must do then, is release expectations, love him as whom he is now, and free myself of a self-imposed obligation to sacrifice myself in order to be seen as giving by someone who does not want to.  If I can do that, then I can have a relationship with my brother that is satisfying, and now has a chance to change –  because I have.

Read on…

 

How To Love More By Caring Less

By Martha Beck

To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in “bowed down by cares.” Or anxiety, as in “Careful!” Or investment in an outcome, as in “Who cares?” The word love has no such range of meaning: It’s pure acceptance. Watching families like Loretta’s taught me that caring—with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes—is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes…Continued

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