Learning To Forgive For Our Own Well-Being

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness as it is something I have had to deal with plenty in my life; I’ve been hurt deeply by people very close to me.

To deal with the aftermath of the hurt, I have gone through many thought processes such as:

 

 

• Denial– It didn’t happen.  I’m making it up.
• Superiority – I’m better than they are.  I don’t need them
• Victimization – Why does this always happen to me?  Why do others feel they can treat me like that?
• Punishment – It’s all my fault.  I’m an idiot.
• Martyr – It doesn’t matter.  I can take it.
• Ego – I’m never apologizing for this.  I’m right and they are wrong.

Needless to say none of these lines of thoughts are satisfying.  They all leave one still upset and in anger and actually reveal more about our own flawed psychology than about a solution for betrayal and forgiveness.

After going through all these different processes I realized the only way to forgive is by recognizing, accepting, and letting go.  It is only after that last phase (letting go) that love and compassion will then replace anger and resentment.  And why is it so important to do that? Because anger and resentment hurts us and nobody else.

In recognizing and accepting that something bad or wrong has happened to us, we get to validate the feelings we are having.  They are real feelings and we should give them space to exist.  Not as a tantrum but as a hurt. So denial, victimization, punishment, martyrdom, and superiority are out.

In letting go we accept that others sometimes cannot see us or deal with us in a loving way. We simply don’t have control over them.  When we let go the hurt stops and when it stops we are then able to see others with love and compassion. That is not to say we will be open to be hurt again.  That is to say we are in touch enough with ourselves not to let anger towards others poison our own existence.  In this phase we can communicate without our ego getting in the way and we can say how we feel without expecting anything in return.  At that point we are able to move on.

Please read on.

How to Forgive Anyone—and Why Your Health Depends on It

By Harriet Brown

What, exactly, does it take to move past a lifetime of hurts? Harriet Brown goes on a mission to discover the true meaning of forgiveness.

Fred Luskin wants me to forgive my mother. And, while I’m at it, my father, my third-grade teacher, my passive-aggressive coworker, the woman who cut me off on the highway, and the guys in Washington who’ve made such a mess of things. Not for their sake, but for mine: Luskin is convinced I’ll be less anxious, more upbeat, and healthier if I do.

After studying forgiveness for close to 20 years, he should know...Continued

Making Each Decision Count

Yesterday, I got the news that my mother’s childhood and best friend has passed away.  While it was not a surprise – she was very sick – it got me thinking about end of relationships, accomplishments, life.

I’m not being morbid, but for a moment I put myself in my mother’s shoes:  losing someone who had shared most of her life’s journey with her.

Our lives are built on winning and losing cycles.  It is unavoidable and out of our personal control.  But the control we do have is how we manage the waves.  We must learn, accept and embrace all within a structure of pragmatism.

Steve Jobs, in his now famous Stanford commencement, said when he was seventeen he read the following quote: If you live your life each day as if it was your last, one day you’ll be right.  That quote he said changed his life.

Remembering we never know from moment to moment how life is going to develop is exhilarating while also serving as a compass for our decisions.  We can ask ourselves: If I were to not see this person again would I want our relationship to have ended like this?  Would I want the last thing we said to each other what has just been said?

These are questions that come up when we ask ourselves; is there something in my life now that I would not want to be if I was to end today?

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Learn To Enjoy Your Successes

We all need to work towards something.  That something can be just about anything; a house, a job, fitness, relationship.   It just needs to be something we can gather our energy and work towards.

These goals are important because they lay out our paths and help us focus.  It is in their pursuit that we will make our choices and gain knowledge.

Having goals is an end into itself.  Succeeding is a whole other ball game; nice but not necessary.

If my dream is to be a writer then as I write, create, and try to get to the next level, I fulfill my dream.  I strategize, I learn, I share. f my goal is to be successful and nothing else, then I don’t get to appreciate the process and most likely will feel like a loser if I don’t achieve a level of success that I find acceptable.

We don’t have control over outcomes.  We only have control of process. Attaching a sense of happiness and fulfillment to an outcome is a recipe for sadness.

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How To Use Emotional Intelligence

I was thinking about forgiveness – for oneself and others – when I came across the below post which discusses emotional intelligence which are the two sides of the same coin.

It is easy to get angry at others.  After all people think and feel in different ways.  But if we react negatively to every frustration we will most certainly end up alone.

So how do we deal with the gut reaction that wants us to confront others and take them to the mat? By using emotional intelligence and forgiving.

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Don’t Let Your Ego Create A Battlefield Of Bruised Relationships

So often we get wrap up in our righteousness that our own true feelings are obscure to us.  Thoughts of a bruised pride get intensified.   We judge others while imbuing our ego with energy.  In the end such feelings and attitudes lead to misunderstandings and battered relationships.

But what if rather than jumping on our high horse we gave ourselves time to look past what seems to be obvious to us to actually see the truth?  What if we didn’t pay attention to the histrionics and actually looked with our hearts at the pain in others?  Maybe we would be able not to be sidetracked by attitudes that don’t really matter and would instead connect in a loving way.

As each one of us move forward on our own journey of self-discovery and wisdom, connecting with others in a real way becomes more important.  Our ego learns to step aside to let us try to go to the essence of another and when we fail to do that, we hurt.

It doesn’t matter what our pride says.  The truth is for us to live in harmony we must live in consciousness.

The below posted article poses an interesting exercise; how would you relate to others if it was the last time you were seeing them?

I bet most if not all troubles and animosity would fall off because in the end what matters is our humanity and the love we have for one another.  If we agree that is the truth then we must practice it.

Read on.

Lessons in Humanity From My Barista

By Roger Housden

The first person I normally greet in the morning is Diego. Today, I look at him with eyes whose vision has been altered by reading the opening lines of a poem by Ellen Bass called “If You Knew”:

What if you knew you’d be the last to touch someone?… Continued

Flash mob at Copenhagen Central Station. Phil playing Ravel’s Bolero

Staying In The Flow Of Life

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them — that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao-Tzu

So much pain and disappointment come from not accepting reality when it presents itself to us as a fact and a force that cannot be changed.  If we don’t this reality we think:  I don’t deserve this or Why me?  And then we rebel against that which cannot be changed.

What we forget is that nature and life have their own rhythm.  It is not personal. “Bad” things aren’t happening to us because we are evil people.  “Bad” things like “good” things are just expressions of life.  The qualities we apply – bad or good – come from our interpretation of them.  To life it is simply experience.

Understanding the purpose of life – to gain wisdom through experiences – allows us to accept the flow of life with more ease.  We start to see that even that which hurts has a purpose.

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Learning To Accept Others As They Are

I would like to share the article I’m posting below.  It discusses how much sadness and difficulties we create for ourselves because we don’t accept things as they are.

In the article Judith describes the situation of a client of hers who struggled with an unsatisfying relationship with her sister her entire life.  The client described to her trying a number of different methods and approaches in order to create some type of relationship. But all her attempts failed because while the client was interested in figuring out how to co-exist and communicate, the sister wasn’t.

As sad as this conclusion is, it is also the truth.  We cannot change how others think and feel.  Everyone is entitled to their point of view. Now, spending enormous amounts of time trying to change others is our waste of time.

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Quadruple amputee to climb Kilimanjaro

Yes we can.

Feeling Blue? Don’t Fret. It Might Be A Good Thing.

This morning I woke up feeling blue.

I have been working non-stop on many different projects that are meaningful and important to me.  They keep me engaged and sharp.  But this morning my thoughts were turned to my family.

I called my parents and was reminded it was Yom Kippur; Day of Atonement.  I had not planned to go to temple or to fast.  I’m not an observant Jew.  But the fact I didn’t even remember it was the most important Jewish day of the year underscored my feeling of disconnection.

As I tried to understand my feelings I realized my ache came from me pining for a situation, a relationship that does not exist.  I was pining for a happy family where everyone is there to support each other.  That is not my family,  my family has real problems.

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