The Power Of Giving And Receiving

Yesterday, I read something I had never thought about, but which it makes perfect sense: when we do something good for someone else we experience the feeling ourselves.  That is why giving is receiving.  Our brain, heart, soul, experience the doing and the result without discriminating who the ultimate receptor is.

Think about it: if a friend needs consoling over something that has happened in their life, as we embrace and love them, the love we give is also felt by us.  The act of consoling is felt by both parties.

If you give money to someone who is in need, as you think about how much that’s going to help that person and the gratitude that will bring,  you get to experience the excitement involved in the gesture.  Again, the satisfaction impacts both the giver and the receiver.

On the other hand, in the giving and receiving world, it is important to play both roles.  Unfortunately, some of us have a hard time receiving, mostly because of low self-esteem.  We either think “I’m not worthy to receive” or we masquerade that by thinking: “I don’t need it.  I’m too great.”  Both thoughts are the two sides of the same coin because thinking we are too great for help is only covering up for I’m not good enough.

Now, truly receiving requires us to embrace our imperfections and our need of others.

Of course, we intellectually know that none of us can ever be perfect.  But, in the emotional reality realm, we often struggle with the acceptance of our mistakes and flaws.

It is in those times that we have to apply compassion towards ourselves and remember that ultimately our journey is about acquiring wisdom and that can only happen through trial and error.

Lastly, we are social beings.  It is through relationships that we experience life.  Giving and receiving is how we relate.

And as Buddha said…

If you knew what I know about the power of giving you would not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way – Buddha

 

Learning To Change Our Response System

I’m a control freak.  Actually, to be exact, what I believe is that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.  And so, when things matter to me my tendency is to stay obsessively on top of them.

Now, I know that doesn’t make way to harmonious relationships.  When I obsess I make others retreat.  So, where is the balance?  How can I get the response I need in order to not climb into the rat wheel while giving others space?

By being specific and requesting a response.  For example:  I’m in a business relationship with someone who is not very communicative.  I send emails and sometimes don’t hear back for four to five days.

On the first day without a response, I assume the other party is busy and I’ll hear back the following day.  When the next day comes and I don’t hear anything, I start to get aggravated.  By the third day I have already sent a follow up email and made a call. I also wake up in the middle of the night thinking of all the scenarios that could be going on – none of them very good.  In essence my neurosis starts to take over.

Having gone through this many times in my life I have learned to do two things: 1 – breathe deeply and not lash out and 2 – ask a question that demands an answer.

Sounds simple no?  Maybe, but it took me a long time to get here.

So, now when I send an email to someone who is not very good in communicating I ask them – in the body of the email – to let me know they have received the email sent.  What this does is psychologically force a response – and that is all I need.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I was thinking about addiction before.

Addiction doesn’t relate only to drugs or alcohol.  It also relates to behavior.

We’re beings of habit.  Once, we do something a certain way a pattern gets formed. To break the pattern we need to use our intellect – to recognize it – and our free will; to change it.

What things in your life are giving you grief? Is the ill feeling coming from your response to something rather than the situation itself?  If yes, you can change it by first recognizing the pattern than by re-educating your mind.

It won’t feel comfortable in the beginning because you will be fighting your habit or tendency.  So, remember to be kind to yourself and know you have the ability to change any response system you have built.  All you need is compassion and time.

 

The Secret To A Successful Relationship

I don’t know if it was because my late husband Chris and I had been unhappily married before, but we never took each other for granted. Three months before Chris passed away – when so much has already been taken from him – he looked at me and said: “We are one of the happiest couples I have ever known.”  He was right; we were.

Chris and I accepted each other as we were.  Even when he wore the most atrocious shirts – to my taste at least – I’ve never said anything.  I didn’t because I accepted him. And when I was caught in my rat wheel, he stood by me patiently letting me know he was there.

We were each others best friends.  We supported one another on the path we chose for ourselves. There was never any talk of “you should be this way or you should do this.”  Our talks were more about how we could support each other in our life adventures.

We checked in with each other during the day and at night we had what I called “quality time.”

Quality time was when we turned the lights out and before going to sleep in the darkness we held each other and shared our feelings.  Whatever they were, we were there to listen.

We made a point – without making a point – to thank each other for little things we did.  We also paid compliments as often as possible. Not phony ones, but real ones that came from having slowed down enough to pay attention to one another.

Chris used to bring me flowers and I cooked special meals for him.  Without thinking about it, we were making sure we both knew how appreciated we were and how lucky we felt to be together. Sometimes we even blurted out: “I’ve never thought I could be this happy.”

I think that was the secret of our beautiful relationship.  Not just that we loved and appreciated each other, but that we let one another know.

Time goes by quickly and we never know what turns life will take. Why not let the people we love know how much we appreciate them? That is the secret to a successful relationship.

Please read on.

The Secret to Extraordinary Love Every Day (And 6 Easy Ways to Make it Happen)

By Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW

In a word: appreciation. It sounds simple but its power is super-charged. The dual aspects of gratitude and recognition, both imbedded in the loving art of appreciation, are like sunshine and water to a plant..Continued

As modern couples, we are at extreme risk for taking each other for granted. We juggle career, family, home management, extended families, aging parents, and health concerns. It’s no wonder that our most intimate relationship gets lost in the day to day shuffle…Continued

 

All About Bliss

I was thinking of what to write today when I came across the below post on bliss.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines bliss as “complete happiness.”  While it is not a bad definition, in my mind, it misses out on the major ingredient; complete peace.

I remember two instances in my life where I have felt bliss. Neither one of the times resulting from anything extraordinary happening.

The first time was when I was about 30 years-old.  I was upstate New York with my first husband having dinner at my friend Billy’s home.  Billy was a furniture maker.  He actually went out to his 60 acres of land and chose the wood he would use to make his pieces.  He was not a hip or particularly educated man – I mention that because at the time those were values that mattered to me – but Billy was an exceptionally nice and genuine guy.

Anyway, Billy and his girlfriend had made dinner for us.  It was simple and served in the kitchen.  When we finished, I got up and went to sit in the living-room.  Actually, I sat on Krumpus’ couch.  Krumpus was a very smart dog and he only let two people sit in his couch – Billy and me.

The fire was roaring in the fireplace. No sounds were coming from the outside. As I sat in that couch I felt an amazing sensation of belonging, of being part of the universe.  For the moments it lasted, I felt integrated and at peace.  I didn’t have to do anything or be anybody. I just was.  I didn’t even need to be happy.  It seems to me, looking back at that moment, that happiness would have been a lesser feeling than what I felt.  Unfortunately, my bliss didn’t last long.  As quickly as it came it left me.

The second and last time I felt bliss was again upstate New York.  This time in a lake by myself.  The day was beautiful and I sat in the water at the edge of a lake.  Within seconds I was surrounded by small fish.  Again, that feeling of complete connectedness took over every cell of my body.

I have had many incredible moments and experiences in my life, but these two simple situations were the ones that gave me bliss. What I learn from them is that belonging, complete contentment, bliss, doesn’t have to come from standing in one’s head or doing cartwheels.  It can come from lying down on a coach by a fire or sitting in water watching the fish swim. Sometimes, we spend all of our time chasing after things that we believe will give us bliss, while all along passing up on simple opportunities that would give us the much sought after feeling.

Please read on.

What Is Bliss?

By Sean Meshorer

Shortly after I’d given my publisher my manuscript about bliss, I had coffee with a friend who asked me: What, exactly, is bliss?

I didn’t have an easy answer. It had taken an entire book to lay out what I’d learned from teaching a class series in Los Angeles, where I’d seen people of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, age ranges, and personalities improve their happiness and spiritual awareness. I’d spent 20 years studying advanced meditative practices and global religious histories — both as a spiritual teacher, minister, counselor, and on my own journey. But even writing several chapters about bliss and how to get it didn’t make it any easier to describe in a few words…Continued

 

Let Go Of Expectations

“I mean, like most guys, you carry around this girl in your head, who is exactly who you want her to be. The person you think you will love the most. And every girl you are with gets measured against this girl in your head.”  ― Rachel Cohn, Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares

And because of that, you can never be happy. And you can never see the possibilities with all the girls you’ve been with.  That’s called expectation.

Expectation: The act of conducting oneself according to an imagined result.

When we imagine how things are going to turn out we start behaving in a certain way instead of responding to what is actually taking place. When we do that the discrepancy between our imagined outcome and our reality creates a fair amount of anxiety, frustration and ultimately disappointment.

It is difficult for us not to have expectations, especially from people or circumstances that are meaningful to us.  The reason is fairly simple; our imagination takes us where we want to go not where we are.

One of the negative side effects of expectations is the rigidity that it creates.  Once we imagine an outcome we become married to it. We lose our ability to see and feel situations as they are.

If we could push our expectations aside and live situations and relationships for what they are, we would certainly find a greater deal of satisfaction.

Holding on to created ideas stops us from finding the positive in our current situations.  Somehow we don’t see what it is.  We only see what it isn’t.

The only way I know to let go of expectations, is by living in the moment and seeing situations and people as they are while releasing what they are not.  By living in the moment – and letting day dreams pass us by – we give ourselves permission to embrace what it is thus enjoying the present.

 

 

 

Drop The “Should” List

I am thinking about how much stress and turmoil is actually self-created.  I’m specifically thinking about the terrain between that which we want and that which we think we SHOULD have.

As we go through life we start to adopt/take on a list of things that society has created as the bible to live by.  But, are these rules/concepts agreeable to all of us all the time?  No. And so conflicts are born between what we do and what we think we should do.

I have found the first line of defense in these situations is to ask ourselves what we really want out of an experience.   I ask myself again and again until I can give an honest response.  Once I know what I really want then I concentrate on that and try not to worry about the “should” yelling in my head.

I’m not saying it is easy to rise above the intense psychological conflict that ensues, but not taking it on means missing out on many opportunities that could provide us with experience and contentment.

Let me give you an example:  Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t necessarily fall within the long lasting, 100% fulfilling – or close to – realm but fall within “what we need for right now”.  So, the relationship is satisfying now.  But, if we hang on to thoughts of “I shouldn’t be enjoying this because I need to be in the “right” relationship, we will miss out on satisfying needs of now.

We never know what doors we open every time we go through an experience.  Not, living them because they are not perfectly right in our own minds, keep us away from opportunities and wisdom. And lastly, who knows what the future may or may not bring.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do – Mark Twain.

 

 

 

Bucket List For Baby With Fatal Illness

(CNN) — Mike and Laura Canahuati’s blog about their nearly 6-month-old daughter, who is expected to die by age 2 because of a genetic disorder, began as an efficient way to keep family and close friends in touch about baby Avery’s health.

But when Mike Canahuati came upon the idea of writing a “bucket list” for his infant child — a list of things to do before death normally drafted for adults — his blog went viral, now with more than 1 million page views…Continued

How To Feel Centered In the Eye Of The Storm

Even though we know if we settle down, breathe and center ourselves that our outlook on life will change, we are often so ramped up that we are not able to do it.  Instead we feel like we are being swept up by life or at best trying not to trip while we’re running our perceived obstacle course.

It would be so simple to stop it all by just stopping our brain from jumping around.  But, somehow this simple action becomes unattainable.

As I go through my personal development I realize the three possibilities that play out:  1 – totally lost in life events and having a feeling of no control, 2 – partially lost while a nagging feeling that there is a different way to be keeps tugging at my psyche and 3 – a centered and in control experience.

I am proud to say that feeling totally lost in life events is no longer a reality for me. I now reside in the space between being partially lost and in control.

Getting to this space has taken a lot of self-growth.  I have had to learn to let go of comparing my life to that of others – after all every life is unique – as well as learning about acceptance and compassion.

When we learn to exercise acceptance and compassion toward ourselves we let go of demanding and unrealistic level of perfection.  We are reminded that life’s journey is about learning and attaining wisdom and there is no space for that without trials and tribulations.

Now, when we truly realize that there is no way to compare two people’s existence, as each one of us has a truly unique experience, we also drop envy and jealousy.

So armed with compassion and acceptance while rejoicing in the loss of envy and jealousy, we start to feel a sense of purpose and control over our responses to life’s events.

It is not an easy process.  And it’s not a process without setbacks. But, it is a process worth under taking.  Living as if we are mere leaves blowing in the wind is not the most satisfying way to walk through life.

So when life feels out of control; stop, breathe, exercise acceptance and compassion and see your outlook change.

 

 

Get Rid Of Your “Should” List

Here’s my confession: “I have a terrible case of SHOULD syndrome”.  In my mind I should be kinder, wiser, fitter, successful, happier etc.  The truth is all these “shoulds” keep me from appreciating who I am and what I have accomplished in my life.  It also keeps me from opening my life up to possibilities that don’t fit my particular “shoulds”.

Now, I’ve known about my self-imposed noose for a long time and have been making strides to loosen its grip.

It all started when I realized the harshest and most demanding critic I had was my own self. While others were ready to pay compliments for the person that I am, I was not. So, I started by reminding myself I should extend the forgiveness and acceptance I had for others to my own self.  I followed that by realizing I always did the best I could and that is all that can be expected from any of us.

Once, I could accept the notion that I couldn’t and shouldn’t be perfect – after all none of us are – I started to relax on the shoulds.

Today, I have a better time accepting that I am as kind as I can be at this moment.  That I’m as fit as I can be with the time and energy I have. That I behave in the best way I can when something comes up.  If later that proves not to be the case then I simply tell myself that my behavior was the choice I could make based on how I felt and what I  knew at the time that it happened.

I still have a long way to go in freeing myself from the scrutiny I put my own self under, but I’m making strides and so can you if you too are a “should” sufferer.

Below is an interesting post by Christy Matta, M.A further discussing the should issue.

Please read on.

10 Beliefs That May Be Keeping You From the Life You Want

By Christy Matta, M.A.

We’re often kept from getting what we want in life by the demands we place on ourselves more so than by the demands of others. Pressure, hassles and tension often come when what we want to do conflicts with what we tell ourselves is “right.” We see a messy house and believe we “should” clean it, or we long to pursue a career we’re passionate about but tell ourselves “I can’t do that.” Continued…

Learn How To Tap Into Your Instincts

Have you ever been thinking about a friend when the phone rings? “I was just thinking about you! You exclaim.  But, is it a coincidence or were the two of you connected beyond the five senses?

There is much that goes on in our lives that are beyond what we see, smell, taste, hear and touch.  Our intuition is what captures this other type of information and acts as a pool of wisdom for each one of us.  All we need to tap into this great resource is to look within.

Unfortunately, most of us regard this great tool and resource as confusing noise because we simply can’t believe we would actually know what the right answer or action would be.

The way we operate is; we have an instinct, but then we disregard it. “How could I possibly know?” It’s usually our response.

Over time I have come to realize how great my instincts are.  I always know the truth, I – like most – just have trouble following.  So, I have come up with a way to give myself a chance to connect and believe in that which I know.

When something important comes up that I need to make a decision on, I sit quietly and tell myself “You know what to do. You know the truth.”  I then wait for the answer to come.  It always arrives clearly and peacefully.  Once I hear it, I follow it.

In the beginning, this process is a bit scary.  “What if I’m wrong?” pops into our minds.  The way to deal with that is by taking a deep breath and reminding oneself the second the instinct hits consciousness it is always certain.  Holding on to that clarity helps us move forward.

The five senses is how we experience the world outside.  Instincts are how we experience the world from within.  Tap into your greatest resource.

Next Page »