The Key To Healthy Relationships

July 27, 2012 by  
Filed under Featured

Looking through Huffpost today, I found the below post.  It addresses one of my favorite topics; we can’t be in a healthy relationship until we are healthy ourselves.

The author, Denise Scarbro, talks about being in needy, self-destructive relationships for a few years because she thought those individuals were coming into her life because she had the strength and knowledge to impact their lives in a positive way. Eventually, she came to understand the reason why they were in her life was because of the way she felt inside – needy and off-focus.

There is nothing new about what I’m saying and what she’s saying, but somehow the very clear statement: “we attract into our lives people and situations that reflect the way we feel inside” needs to be thought about and constantly repeated so we don’t forget its wisdom.

If we feel content and at peace with who we are we would never consider anything beyond a hello – and only to be polite – to someone who is not well with themselves.  It’s not that we would have to think about the situation.  Instinctively we would know that person would not be a good addition to our lives and we would step aside instead of inviting them in.

I’m not talking about being perfect or only letting perfect people in simply because there is no such thing as perfection.  But, I am talking about people that have a level of understanding and appreciation of themselves that enables them to have honest and positive relationships.

So, if you find yourself always surrounded by others that obsessively need you or live in an eternal state of drama, ask yourself how they are reflecting YOU.  It may be time to pull the outside plug stimulus and concentrate in improving the relationship with the inner-self.

Please read on…

The Trick to Attracting Healthy Relationships

By Denise Scarbro

Have you ever felt like you always attract a certain type of person? I know I have! The same kinds of people seem to present themselves to me all the time. They may have different faces and different names, but in the end the same themes are always there. Not too long ago, I kept finding myself with an emotionally unavailable boyfriend; misunderstood people gravitated to me; needy people always wanted to be my friend; and if there was ever an underdog, we inevitably somehow teamed up. I found myself thinking, “What am I putting out there to attract these people to me?” …Continued

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Kayaker Helps Young Adults With Cancer Through Outdoor Adventures

July 24, 2012 by  
Filed under Inspiring People

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Don’t Delay Happiness Because Your Life Isn’t Perfect Yet

July 22, 2012 by  
Filed under Blog

Having dreams related to work or family is a good thing.  But, not enjoying life because we haven’t achieved those dreams yet – is not.

We all have goals in our lives.  They can be a better job, a partner, a family, or time.  Whatever your goals are, some will happen and some won’t.  And some will happen in a different way than you had imagined; that’s called life.

On the path of achieving our dreams sometimes we stop fully enjoying our moments because in the back of our minds our present situation is not perfect.  Once that thought takes hold we stop fully being present and experiencing.

I remember when I lived in NYC with my first husband and we would go to a place in the woods by a lake in Pennsylvania called “Promised Land”.

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Learning To Let Go Of Regrets

July 19, 2012 by  
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I often write about things that haunt me.  It’s my way to share my path and process.  As I learn how to untangle myself from my emotional handicaps – which are universal – I write about the methods and results.

Today, I want to write about something I’ve learned quickly and well: letting go of regrets.  To me this particular lesson was a sink or swim. Let me give you an example.  When I lived in NYC, I was married to a man for 11 years.  I made a youthful mistake – I was 20 years-old when we got married.  Within the first year of marriage, I already knew I was not happy, he was not happy, and we would never be happy together.  But, I stayed for another 10 years.  I stayed because I kept thinking that maybe I could turn the mistake into something positive.  I stayed because each year that passed, I thought I had more invested and therefore had to try harder to make something of it.  And I stayed, because I was afraid of making a mistake by leaving.  In essence, all the wrong reasons for staying in a relationship.

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Learn To Shut Off The Destructive Inner-Dialogue

July 16, 2012 by  
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There is nothing like being a writer to test one’s self-confidence and one’s ability to shut off the destructive inner dialogue.  It is just the ultimate.  Why?  You start by staring at a blank computer screen and then you type the first few words.  At the end of your work day, you start thinking back to the world you are creating with its characters and situations and most often than not the question “have I lost my mind” pops up.  Next, it will be phrases like “this is awful, what was I thinking?, I’ll never work again.”

But, somehow – if writers are actually to work again – they have to find the discipline, courage and inspiration to keep going.  And let me tell you, it is a daily battle.  After all, a writer is an absolute creator who has to trust his or hers creativity in order to create.  A writer’s work starts with them and its 100% their creation.

So, it is possible to continue to plow forward even though thoughts of I’m not good enough do their best to take over our lives.  It is a matter of being more in love with what we want to do then a victim of the evil inner dialogue.  It is also a matter of saying: Maybe I’m not good enough, but I’m going to do my best and get to the end of whatever I’m doing and then we’ll see what happens.

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Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

July 14, 2012 by  
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Sometimes, I really think I have two brains.  One, my lower brain, which gets upset with the small stuff and is often a victim of anxiety, anger and frustration.  The other, my higher brain which listens to the lower, but doesn’t get embroiled in any of the issues the lower brain does.

Basically, the lower brain keeps our nose to the ground while the higher brain lets us see the big picture.

Growth comes from listening to the higher brain which has the ability to stop the obsessive inner-dialogue of the lower brain.  It understands thoughts like: “he/she didn’t call, I must not be important enough, I didn’t get XXX, I must be really stupid etc.” but it doesn’t become a victim of it.  Quite the contrary; it understands the pain and confusion, but instead of letting us be stuck in the muck, it offers us a grander view of our own lives.  It asks us to take a step back.

The higher brain is a byproduct of our wisdom.  Better yet. It is its pro-active side.  But, it takes time and discipline to allow the higher brain to take over, because our lower brain is so busy being compulsive, attached, and resentful, that in the beginning a fierce inner-struggle is certain to happen.

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Obsessing Does Not = Action

July 12, 2012 by  
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Photo By Angie Rubin

Found the below post by Brad Pilon at www.zenhabits.com

“Here is an experiment I’d like you to try:

Log in to your banking account. Check how much money you have.

Now log out.

Now log back in, check how much money you have.

Now Log out.

Repeat this two to three more times.

I’m willing to bet my money that your money did not change as a result of how many times you checked on it.

The point of this experiment is obsessing about things isn’t actually action. It rarely, if ever changes the circumstance you are obsessing about.”…Continued

Although Brad goes on to connect the above to issues of health and fitness, I think it can be applied to any kind of obsessive behavior.

Often, we believe we can muscle situations into being what we want, but most often than not by doing so we cause the opposite to happen.

In reality, doing our best then letting go is the only healthy approach we can have towards any our undertakings.

For people like me, who believe unless I’m standing on my head and doing cartwheels nothing will happen, letting go of control can be a tough proposition.

After countless breakdowns over why life wasn’t happening the way I wanted and in my own time, I realized I had to change.  Obsessing didn’t make anything happen differently.  It only made me and others anxious.

So, what I’m learning to do now is to put my best effort forward then ask myself; have I done everything I can and if the answer is “yes” then I let go.  Letting go means; moving forward with other thoughts and tasks and letting life take its course.

If you are obsessing over things, don’t let the feelings the behavior create trick you into thinking you’re actually doing something.  Remember: all we can do is our best.  We don’t control results.  So, let go and move on.

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Why To Know Thyself?

July 9, 2012 by  
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People keep going on and on about know thyself.  So, why the heck is it so important to do that after all?

For starters if we don’t, we’ll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.   It’s like going to an ice-cream store on a Monday and getting a chocolate ice-cream cone.  Then on Tuesday a strawberry.  And then on Wednesday a Vanilla.  You know what I mean; they are all ice-cream cones just with different flavors.

When we don’t take time for self-reflection, that’s what we do; we repeat the same behavior. If you are thinking that is not you because you can’t identify your current situation with anything else from the past, think again.  Is it really different behavior or does it only look different?  Now, take your time to reflect on the question before answering.  You may surprise yourself with the answer that comes up.

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Stop Killing Time

July 5, 2012 by  
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Yesterday, I was on the phone with a friend who was telling me how unhappy he had been.  He wasn’t happy with his relationship.  He wasn’t happy with his work.  Mostly he was just coping.

I told him I didn’t mind talking to him about his issues, but wanted to point out they had been the same for the past five years.  Once I said that, he tried to change the subject as he didn’t want to have any responsibility for his current unhappiness.

After we hung up the phone, I thought about how many of us stay stuck in situations that are no longer happy or productive simply because we are used to them.

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Learning To Turn Tragedy Into Positive Life Lessons

July 3, 2012 by  
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Photo by Angie Rubin

I was recently reading about Hugh Herr, chief technology officer at iWalk, a company specialized in bionic prosthetics.

Dr. Hugh Herr is a below the knee double-amputee.  When he was a teenager, while mountain climbing, he got stuck with others in extreme cold conditions and had to have his lower limbs amputated to stop necropsy from spreading to his whole body.

One of the questions posed to him in the interview was; if he could have his legs back would he want them?  His answer was an emphatic no.  He explained that being a double-amputee is his identity and what has propelled his life and work.  Would he have dedicated his life to creating these amazing bionic prosthetics if he wasn’t an amputee himself?  Would he see life as he does today if not for the sum of his experiences?

I thought about how significant it is what he said.  What had been a tragedy when it happened was what made him understand and undertake his life in a completely different way.

Often when tragic things happen to us we get stuck in feelings of pity, anger and resentment and we don’t see past the pain.  We kick and scream and eventually give up living a life of contentment.

When my husband passed away, I kept thinking there had to be something positive to come out of the greatest loss I had ever experienced.  It was impossible for me to conceive that out of the love we had, all it would be left was pain alone.  I knew there was no reason for it to have happened, but there had to be something to be gained.  And so I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and I learned and changed.

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