Finding Freedom

When I became an adult, somehow I bought into the illusion that if I worked really hard and I was a good person then success and happiness would follow.  I became such a devout to those ideas that I had every single second of my life accounted for.  As I work in the creative field – meaning less structure – I even came up with a way to count how many hours a day I actually spent working.  Of course, letting anything or anyone pull me away from my straight jacket schedule was not an option.

What I eventually found out is that in life 1+1 does not always equal 2.  Point is that someone who works less hours can actually do better than someone who works non-stop.  A person who follows a strict plan of action doesn’t necessarily achieve more than a person who goes with the flow.

Of course, I’m not saying kick up your heels and wait for life to land on your lap.  What I am saying is creating rigidity in life does not guarantee anything except choking.

Anyone over the age of twenty-five already knows from experience that we can’t control the outcome of anything.  So, really embracing the concept of being open to life’s flow should not be an issue. It should be a foregone conclusion.

Creativity needs space to thrive.  Excessive control kills it.  And not only that, it also kills opportunities.  When we live a regimented life we can’t see opportunities when they present themselves because we are too busy following our plan.

Basically, if we are not open to flow with life we fall out of synch.  Life becomes repetitive and we feel uninspired.

Friedrich Nietzsche said: “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” I’m sure he wasn’t referring to insanity or craziness.  What I believe the great philosopher was referring to was to a pliable heart and mind.

Change, growth, beauty, excitement and pleasure need “chaos”.  Filling up every second of our lives with work and keeping anything or anyone away who would interrupt us kills the “chaos”.

Once we understand we need to let go of this fictitious control then letting it happen can feel scary and unsettling at first.  It can make us feel as if we are out at sea holding on for dear life.  So we don’t have to let go all at once.  We can put one toe in the water and then another until both feet are in.  We breathe through the process and we constantly remind ourselves that we have everything we need to thrive; we have ourselves.  Strong, knowledgeable and confident in our own abilities to move to whatever rhythm life is playing.

My mother always says “we move in the dark”.  She’s right.  But, if we have a strong core we can move without bumping into things, enjoy the journey and go places we never thought even existed.

Give Up On Being Right And Be Happy

One key ingredient to any successful relationship is giving up on being right.  That goes for any type of relationship.

If two friends have different points of view, fighting to prove that one is right and the other is wrong is a recipe for disaster.

If co-workers have different ways to go about a solution, fighting to prove one way is better than the other, is the quickest way to discord and most likely failure.

The point is: it never matters who is right.  What matters is to be able to do what’s needed in co-operation and that only can happen if both parties can get their ego out of the way and tend to the task at hand.

Relationship intelligence teaches us to realize – before too late – that we are headed to a confrontation if we don’t approach a subject humbly.  What I mean is; instead of saying this is how it is, what about saying “what do you think?”  By inviting and being open to the other person’s point of view we show 1 – their opinion is important, and 2 – we are willing to listen.   It’s a simple adjustment that makes friends instead of enemies.

Another key ingredient is paying compliments.  I’m not talking about making up lies or being sugary.  I’m talking about recognizing a quality in another person and letting them know we are aware and appreciate it.   The message is: I see you.

Why not be supportive?  All of us deal with rejections on a daily basis. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we heard from our partners, friends and colleagues that there is something about us they truly appreciate?

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter if we are right or wrong.  What matters is that we find a way to live in harmony with the people that are important to us.  It also doesn’t hurt to spread a little love by telling others how they matter to us.

Try it out.  Give up being right, pay some compliments and watch your life change .

The Value Of A Great Sense Of Self

Interesting post by Deepak Chopra (see below) where he takes on scientific as well as religious believes about the self.

Yes, many of our behaviors and thoughts come from our chemistry and yes it is the ego that keeps us eternally running in the rat’s wheel.

As I’m not a scientist or a believer – or think it matters for the purpose of discussing the self – I’ll leave that alone.

What I know – and humbly agree with Deepak – is that there is something else.  I’m sure of it only because it has had the greatest impact in my own life; it is the self.

As I invest in MY self, the life objective is not so much to fully understand in an intellectual way who am I or the quintessential question what’s my purpose in life.  It really is to create a greater sense of harmony – a feeling of well-being.

I know – from personal experience – that a connection with the self can sooth, balance, and comfort.  I know, a connection with the self, creates a bond from where we can operate in the world in a more satisfying way.  Having a strong knowing connection allows us to be free and to be whom we are without needing to define that and without being fearful.

It doesn’t matter if this self is a combination of things or of nothing.  We don’t need to define what it is to bask in its gift as creating a connection with the self gives us a solid footing from where we can calmly deal with life’s ups and downs without following the bouncing ball.

So how do we create this bond?  Initially through saving some of our time and energy to just be with ourselves and to listen to our own thoughts.  It is called solitude. Once we start appreciating the effects of giving our inner-selves a voice, we will go back to the pond every time for answers and harmony.

Please read on.

Seeking The Self: A Ghost Story

By Deepak Chopra

We are all quite certain that we have a self. When you say “I like chocolate” or “I vote progressive,” no one asks what you mean by “I.” That task was left for centuries to philosophers and theologians. “Know thyself” is an axiom worth heeding, but what is there to know? If one camp of modern science has its way, the answer is “nothing.” The self, we are told, is an illusion created by the complexity of brain functions. As thousands of inputs bombard each other every second, forming an almost infinite tangle of neural messages, a ghost was created whose name is “I.” …Continued

The Power Of Now

We all talk about how great it is to live in the moment.   We know there is nothing to be done about the past and the future is a question mark.  But, living in the moment is much more than just being present.  It also means to be free of expectations.  It means to live each moment fully without the pressure of where the moment will take us. It means to be so immerse in it that it becomes an end in itself. No easy feat because we are constantly battling a need to control and to know the outcome of everything we do.

Unfortunately, it is especially in romantic relationships that we see the need to control thriving.  I say unfortunately because that is what most of us proclaim to want – a romantic relationship. And that is where a need to control can create the greatest amount of damage.

It is understandable to be cautious, after all most of us over the age of twenty have experienced heartbreak or betrayal, and we know how much it hurts.  But, analyzing and measuring our every action makes it impossible to experience a fulfilling relationship.

Constantly questioning what he or she will think or what will happen if I do this or that, turns a relationship – which should be spontaneous and free – into a recipe for discontentment.   It is impossible to truly enjoy oneself in the company of another when the what ifs are so present.

So, how do we truly live in the moment? We work at it as if we were building up a muscle.  We set the goal and then with disciple and consciousness we work at it.

We remind ourselves any idea of control of outcomes is a mere illusion.  We remind ourselves there is only the moment of NOW and rather than spoiling it with worries of the future we should let ourselves go and fully enjoy the present.

Every time we are able to stop ourselves from projecting into the future, we are building the muscle of being in the NOW.  And every time we achieve that, we are paid back with a great feeling of freedom.

If there is something I have learned in my life, is things can change in ways we could have never imagined.  Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse.  Missing out on fully being in a moment  is missing out on life.

I’m not saying I have accomplished being able to live without expectations.  But, I work at it every day by doing what I think I want to do without wondering where it will lead me.  I’m learning to trust my instincts to guide me to greater fulfillment in life.  I know I have no control of outcomes.

We have not control of outcomes. So, why not let go of expectations and fully embrace each moment?

The Yummy Book: 25 Life Recipes For Happy Living

From March 4th through March 10th “The Yummy Book: 25 Life Recipes For Happy Living” will be on sale at Smashwords for $1.50.

This is a really easy to read book where you can always find a positive word.  All formats are available for a download.

Letting Go Of The Need To Be Perfect

I have always wanted to be perfect. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, but because I always thought I had the means and the possibility.  Simply put my thinking was:  “I should know better and just do right.”  And when I didn’t feel I acted “right”, the backlash was huge.

Of course, when I write this I am reminded of the silliness of such goal.  But, I’m afraid I’m not alone.  There are many of us in this world that keep ourselves on a short leash and demand nothing less than perfection.

While for the less informed that can seem like a lofty ideal, the reality is imbued with much suffering and chastising.

What is perfect? It depends on the situation and who we ask.  So, if we can’t even define perfection how could we aim to achieve it?  And how can we expect ourselves to deliver the right action in every circumstance?

The only antidote for people like myself is another very powerful drug; compassion.  As we struggle to achieve the impossible, compassion comes-in as a way to allow us to see ourselves for who we truly are; human beings.  And to be reminded that at every second of our existence we are making choices from a high-wire.

We walk a thin line through chaos and uncertainty trying to do the best we can.  Sometimes the results are exactly what we want and sometimes they are not.  But, if we apply compassion towards ourselves we will realize we are deserving of forgiveness.  We’ll also realize we are not commander in chief of life itself.

Living means inter-acting with others which means we cannot hold ourselves to be the only voice in any relationship or situation. We all have our conflicts and difficulties that we have to work through which we do as live our lives.

I’m working hard at letting go of my want to be perfect.  These days I use the phrase: “I’m doing the best I can.”  And that is all I can ask of myself.

What about you? Are you asking yourself the impossible?

The Steps Of Change

“Do one thing every day that scares you” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Change is messy.  Change is uncomfortable. But change is the only path to getting where we want to go.

Anyone over the age of thirty, know that as we get older we hold onto who we are and what we have with iron fists.  We get settled in our ways and little by little we stop seeing different possibilities of being and living.  The consequences of settling is that we stop learning and experiencing.  Something inside us starts to feel bored and trapped.  Sameness takes over.

The first step of change is to give voice to the restlessness.  What is it that of lack of satisfaction I’m feeling is trying to tell me?  What in my life needs to change?

This is a period of introspection.  We must give it room and time.  The answer lies in our ability to stay with the search.  To peel away the layers of chaos and find the clear need within ourselves.  It is there just waiting to be discovered.

One we know what needs to be change we need to commit to this even more uncomfortable phase.  We are people of habits and there is nothing more unsettling than responding to life in a different way. We feel as if we no longer have our baring.

It will be difficult at first.  We will fall back into old habits.  We will be anxious over responding differently.  But, with restrain, thoughtfulness and determination we can succeed.

Change gets us to see the world in a different way.  Change gets us to gain greater wisdom.  Change makes life more exciting and interesting.

Expose yourself to different experiences.  Have the courage to try something outside your comfort zone. Be flexible.  Breathe.

And as John Lennon said: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

Riding The Waves Of Change

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

One of the definitions in Merriam-Webster dictionary for change is: “to make a shift from one to another.”  In psychological terms that is what change means; at the start we are A and when we are done we are Z.

Now, along the way we have to go through the entire alphabet and that is most often extremely chaotic.  The reason is simple.  We are comfortable being A.  We know how to respond to people and things.  When we do get to Z, we will also be okay.  Again we will be comfortable being Z and we’ll know how to think and respond.

The problem with changing is all the uncertainty and uneasiness one needs to go through between being A and being Z.  The journey is the process of breaking down a way of being in life while building a new one.

It is common, while going through the process of changing, to doubt ourselves and where we are going.  It is easy to feel oneself lost in the chaos.

Change usually starts from an intellectual need.  We realize something about us or our lives needs to be different.  Then intellectually we draft a course of action.  Thoughts like: “I’m going to do this from now on in an XYZ way” or “I’m going to feel about this from now on in this new XYZ manner” decorate our planning.

This process of intellectually mapping out our destination is correct.  We need to know where we want to get to.  But chaos starts during the second phase when our psychology and feelings get actively involved in the process.  Now, we are dealing in new territory where every different sensation is a bridge to many other feelings and history.

Read more

The Power Of Compassion

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing, and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there –Rumi

One of the first things I do every morning is read the news.  I believe that is the same for most people.  We want to know what is happening in the world and in our communities.  We want to know how yesterday’s developments will be impacting our lives today.  But as we read about all the wars, poverty, and instability we feel overwhelmed and start to shut down.  Unfortunately, the shutting down to the pain in the news carries on to our daily lives; we start to become disconnected from our ability to feel compassion and to empathize. But, the news is not the only reason.  Our own life’s difficulties and struggles take care of whatever compassion we have left in our hearts.

The human experience is based on exchange and connectedness.  How many times we have a good experience and wonder how much better it would have been if shared with a loved one?

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The Good Fear And The Bad Fear

In its “pure” form fear is an instinctual response to potential danger. It is a “good” fear because it gets our senses focused, our pupils dilated, our muscles tightened.  We get ready to fight or flight.

But fear should never be our reaction to experiencing new things. It should not send us into an anxiety attack with the mere thought of us stepping outside our routine or our comfort zone.  When that happens, it is a real shame, because trying something new is the surest way to expand our knowledge and emotional existence. Without risk, without something new the world and we would still be in the caves.

Think of how excited we get when we receive a gift without knowing what it is inside of the package.  The excitement is often greater than the actual gift.  The anticipation where all of our senses come together to imagine what the gift is, is what keeps us vibrant and alive.  Not risking, being afraid of trying something new is like never wondering what is inside of the gift box.

Taking risks – not talking about jumping off a plane without a parachute – forces us to focus, learn and stretch our wisdom.  But many of us equate risking or trying something new with the possibility of losing everything or of putting what we worked so hard for in jeopardy. But without taking risks, without experiencing something new we become passive passengers on our own journey.  We stop making decisions and instead hope nothing will happen.

But if we want to feel energized and curious it is imperative that we balance our fears with the excitement for the new. So how do we do that?

• Give some thought to the new endeavor/experience remembering the answer you are looking for is not necessarily should we do it or not, but if we do it, will this be of benefit to my life?  To better answer that, imagine what your life will feel like by going through this experience.
• Once you decide to try something new, take one step at a time.  Like a mountain climber you shouldn’t keep looking at the peak.  It can be overwhelming. Instead think about the next step you need to take. Look at what is right ahead of you.
• If anxiety hits, remind yourself you have thought through the risks and decided the process of going through the change was worth it.  Then take a deep breath and again think how exciting it is going to be to try something new and how great it will be to achieve your goal.

Once you get used to putting your fear in check, taking risks, growing, changing, will be as exciting as having the greatest ice-cream at a most beautiful beach.

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