Love And Addiction: Not One And The Same

June 28, 2012 by  
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Interesting post pasted below on one of my favorite topics: the difference between love and addiction.

The definition of addition is: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Now combine addiction with the stories we watch on our computers, TV or film screens and we have a recipe for disaster.

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Learning To Change Our Response System

May 15, 2012 by  
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I’m a control freak.  Actually, to be exact, what I believe is that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.  And so, when things matter to me my tendency is to stay obsessively on top of them.

Now, I know that doesn’t make way to harmonious relationships.  When I obsess I make others retreat.  So, where is the balance?  How can I get the response I need in order to not climb into the rat wheel while giving others space?

By being specific and requesting a response.  For example:  I’m in a business relationship with someone who is not very communicative.  I send emails and sometimes don’t hear back for four to five days.

On the first day without a response, I assume the other party is busy and I’ll hear back the following day.  When the next day comes and I don’t hear anything, I start to get aggravated.  By the third day I have already sent a follow up email and made a call. I also wake up in the middle of the night thinking of all the scenarios that could be going on – none of them very good.  In essence my neurosis starts to take over.

Having gone through this many times in my life I have learned to do two things: 1 – breathe deeply and not lash out and 2 – ask a question that demands an answer.

Sounds simple no?  Maybe, but it took me a long time to get here.

So, now when I send an email to someone who is not very good in communicating I ask them – in the body of the email – to let me know they have received the email sent.  What this does is psychologically force a response – and that is all I need.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I was thinking about addiction before.

Addiction doesn’t relate only to drugs or alcohol.  It also relates to behavior.

We’re beings of habit.  Once, we do something a certain way a pattern gets formed. To break the pattern we need to use our intellect – to recognize it – and our free will; to change it.

What things in your life are giving you grief? Is the ill feeling coming from your response to something rather than the situation itself?  If yes, you can change it by first recognizing the pattern than by re-educating your mind.

It won’t feel comfortable in the beginning because you will be fighting your habit or tendency.  So, remember to be kind to yourself and know you have the ability to change any response system you have built.  All you need is compassion and time.

 

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Are We Addicted To Struggle?

April 3, 2012 by  
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I really like the below post by Mike Robbins. I truly get it.

I have been addicted to struggle for most of my life. Somewhere somehow I became convinced that without struggle I would never get what I wanted. Be a job or a relationship.  Only hard work could bring success and if something came easily, I was immediately suspicious of it.  Thoughts like: “When is the other shoe going to fall?” or “I feel like I cheated because it happened to easily” came easily.

Pretty much I thought without struggle there is no success or happiness.  How wrong I was.  Getting what we want is not a consequence of struggle.  I’m not saying we don’t have to work hard for things, but what I mean is; there is no direct correlation between struggle and happiness. Or struggle and achievement.  In my erroneous thinking I had left out that life has its own rhythm.

Actually, if we stop trying to control life by muscleling for what we want, we might actually be surprised that sometimes 1 – things can happen nicely and easily without struggle and 2 – other doors we had not seen before are there open for us.

If we allow ourselves to relax and to believe we deserve contentment then life doesn’t have to be a never ending struggle.  We don’t have to suffer to appreciate goodness.

What is the most unfortunate is we become addicted to struggle and often don’t feel like we are making progress if we are not suffering.  How can I be advancing my life if I’m not staying up at night?

Changing this damaging mind-set takes time.  Drama is addictive.  Struggle is addictive.  We have to constantly remind ourselves to relax and appreciate the life we already have.  Then we have to embrace the concept that we don’t need to pay a price to succeed.  Success and contentment is already there for us to receive.  We don’t have to prove anything.  We already deserve it.

Please read on…

Are You Addicted to Struggle?

By Mike Robbins

During a session I had with my new coach last week it became clear to me that I’ve been addicted to struggle for much of my life. While I wasn’t super excited to admit this, it has actually been quite liberating to address my struggle addiction directly and to see how it impacts just about every aspect of my life and work. How about you? Are you addicted to (or at least very familiar with) struggling in your own life? Continued…

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Are You Addicted To Perfection?

September 17, 2011 by  
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Photo by Angie Rubin

Very good post by Jennifer Howard Ph.D. below.  In it she discusses how fruitless and destructive the pursuit of perfection really is.

What is the definition of perfection?  Who gets to define it?  No two people would ever agree on what perfection is. So how can we attempt to achieve that which cannot be agreed on by a majority?

Most people when shown the color yellow will say yellow. We may all see it a shade different and we all may experience it differently but we all agree it is yellow. No the same with perfection.

The search for perfection – whatever that means to each one of us – also takes us away from a true human experience. It is through our trials, errors and tribulations that we gain wisdom.  Sometimes losing or an “error” can have a greater positive impact than success.

Seeking perfection turns us against our own selves. Not embracing our “errors” as an important part of living as we do with “success”, makes us to be our own tormenters. The results are: blame and punishment instead of love and compassion.

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Stop Being Manipulated

June 28, 2010 by  
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Many years ago I dated a very bright, good looking, neurologist.  In the very beginning he was the best boyfriend ever.  He called every day, carefully planned dates, and was very sweet but a month into the relationship things started to shift ever so slightly.  We would make plans to speak at 5pm but he would disappear until 8pm, leaving me to wonder if we were going to have dinner together or not.  He put me in a kayak in the ocean, for the first time in my life, and got upset when I couldn’t make it past the breaking waves.  Things continued to go south with the last drop being a trip we had planned to take together to NY which changed to include his daughter and turn me into the third wheel.  We were together between 4-5 months.

Looking back, it seems obvious to me that I had been manipulated.  I bought into “he is a neurologist and a nice guy he could never be perverse. There must be something wrong with me.”

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