Learning To Accept Others As They Are

October 12, 2011 by  
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I would like to share the article I’m posting below.  It discusses how much sadness and difficulties we create for ourselves because we don’t accept things as they are.

In the article Judith describes the situation of a client of hers who struggled with an unsatisfying relationship with her sister her entire life.  The client described to her trying a number of different methods and approaches in order to create some type of relationship. But all her attempts failed because while the client was interested in figuring out how to co-exist and communicate, the sister wasn’t.

As sad as this conclusion is, it is also the truth.  We cannot change how others think and feel.  Everyone is entitled to their point of view. Now, spending enormous amounts of time trying to change others is our waste of time.

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A Life Free Of Anger

October 22, 2010 by  
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Angie Rubin

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned – Buddha

Being angry is all consuming.  It gets your adrenaline pumping and it consumes your energy.  You feel like you can’t do anything else except burn through it. I know I’ve been there many a times.

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Learning How To Control Anger

August 13, 2010 by  
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned – Buddha

Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains – Helen Douglas

I have always known that anger and resentment hurt more the person having the feelings than the reason and/or target.  It always made sense to me but as I try to find different ways of being and living my life that has become the absolute truth.

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If You Can’t Change Others, Change Yourself

July 20, 2010 by  
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Okay, here is a hard one to learn; we can’t change others but we can change ourselves.  Why do I say it is hard?  Because we are so attached to proving either our truth, intent or fairness, that we keep coming up with different ways to make our point even if every attempt only brings us frustration and disappointments.

There is nothing wrong with trying to communicate our thoughts and feelings but what becomes a waste is when it is obvious that the recipient is not ready or doesn’t want to see things in a different way.  They are stuck in their position and methodology and they are not going to change no matter what we do.

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Positive Thinking; Does It Work?

June 1, 2010 by  
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Flowers Carolina 2I believe in positive thinking.  I believe in our ability to truly change ours lives.  I believe in finding a level of contentment in life where we feel mostly inspired.  But I also believe in building a life on a solid foundation.

I think reading affirmations is a good way to trick our brain into thinking positive when sometimes they might have gone negative.  I think it can actually work for sometime but if a foundation is not there most likely we will either get bored with the affirmations or they will stop working. That’s my beef with the whole just be positive industry.   It offers treatments for the symptoms without offering to treat the “diseases” and affirmations are just an example of that.

We are all on a path of transformation wanting or not, liking or not.  That’s life.  Every second something happens, we make decisions, we have feelings and we interpret stimuli.

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Shooting Ourselves In The Foot

May 6, 2010 by  
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running man

running man

Ego and anger go hand in hand and they are both very destructive.  I’m not talking about a sense of self when I’m referring to ego.  I’m talking about a sense of pride in the “how dare them” mentality which is just a reflection of a frail ego.  An ego that feels it needs to scream at the world to protect itself because it often feels threatened.  And I am talking about anger that covers up sadness and weakness.

We lose so many opportunities by being angry and by letting our ego speak.  We distort situations to conform to our insecurities and to prove to ourselves that we have to fight others in order to survive.

Ask yourself next time you feel attacked or angry at a situation if: 1 – Are you really being provoked and 2 – Is it really necessary to engage.  Most often the answer will be no.

Don’t waste your time fighting battles that are unnecessary.  Build up YOU and your sense of self and you’ll win the war without having to fire one shot.

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How Can We Love Ourselves More?

April 25, 2010 by  
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Be in tune with yourself –

There are a number of emotions that tend to hide what’s really going on with us.  Anger for example, is a feeling that often hides sadness and low self esteem.  If we are not in tune with ourselves we will react based on the anger we are feeling, compounding the problems, without really addressing what is really creating this destructive feeling within us.  Once we are in tune with ourselves we take care of us and life flows better.

Be your lover and best friend –

Once you are in tune with yourself you know how to take care of you when you are feeling blue.  We all have “things” that soothes us.  For example: a bath, music, meditation, wine, food, a walk.  Whatever makes you feel better, when you are in tune with yourself, you will do – just like a friend or a lover would – and soothe yourself.  Every time you take care of yourself you learn to love YOU more.

Be kind to yourself –

We often have more compassion for others than to ourselves.  All of us on this planet struggle in one way or another.  Rejoice your accomplishments – even if you think them small – and forgive your “mistakes”.  Life is about the journey, it’s about learning and changing.  We can only make changes when we make “mistakes”.

Live to the beat of your own drum –

We are all unique individuals.  We all see and process the world in a different way.  Be honest with yourself and live your life as your unique self.

And if you love yourself, you can truly love someone else.

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Let Go Of The Anger

April 22, 2010 by  
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heartsMost of us have had difficult experiences in our lives and the older we get the higher are the probabilities of us having traumatic experiences.

I’m an “early bloomer” and so I’ve already had a few of both.   Some remembrances bring back pain and some bring back anger.   I’m now particularly thinking about the ones that bring back anger.  These are usually situations where we have been taken advantage of or didn’t make the right decision and ended up paying a high price.   Whatever the reasons were that ended up leaving us with an anger memory, the reality is; it is the past.  No matter what we do today it will not change what has already happened.

When we feel the anger come up the best thing to do is to remember we were different people at the time the event happened.  We had a different set of thoughts and skills than the ones we have today.  Whatever judgments we make today; “how could I have been so stupid?”  “why didn’t I do this or that?” are not fair to ourselves.  We were different people.

The next thing to remember is whatever happened is part of who we are today.  So being a person that today can recognize situations that shouldn’t have happened is a direct result of the things that shouldn’t have happened.

Lastly, remember that life is about learning and experiencing.  Putting too much anger onto things that can’t change keeps us stuck.  So the best thing is to let go of the anger and keep on living and learning.

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Politics As A Template For Relationships

March 25, 2010 by  
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This week, John McCain, the senator and the former candidate for the Presidency, who returned to the senate after being defeated by Barack Obama, was so incensed at the Democrats for pushing through a health care reform bill, that he thought it was unwise legislation, that he said he was through working with the Democrats. “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year”, he stated.

Part of McCain’s popularity that brought him the Republican Presidential nomination when it was clear he was not the darling of the Republican leaders, was the feeling by the moderate Republicans who supported him in the primaries that he was a highly principled conciliator. That he could find a way to take his personal positions and by moderating them and finding a voice in the Democratic Party similarly inclined, he could move the country forward. His record in the Senate proved that, he ran on that, he received the nomination and he almost won the election in a year where a broken economy should have insured an easy Democratic victory.

Now, let’s talk about a relationship like a marriage or a friendship or a business partnership. Let’s assume one of the parties in the relationship does something that the other finds completely onerous. Let’s use cheating in a marriage as our topic. I am using it as an example because of the BIG business that is today in the media with Tiger Woods, Sandra Bullock, John Edwards moving from page 6 to page 1 in the newspapers. Is marriage doomed? Are years of living together, sharing love, children, major life events simply anecdotes in the relationship to be swept away by a cheating mate?

Maybe. It all depends on where the parties are in their relationship when the information is revealed. It depends on how both parties feel about the structure they built together and whether it’s worth saving.

One thing is sure. If one party in the relationship says the equivalent of “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year” or some other statement or position that shuts the door to talking together, working together, analyzing cause, seeing whether the relationship is salvageable, the relationship is indeed over. But, if the parties take a breath, give it a moment, then see if after the initial shock there is still enough left of the structure to work together and change the dynamics, there is hope. If there is a way to find building blocks to a rejuvenated relationship with the possibility of new happiness and new dividends, then keeping your mouth shut, or at least watching what you say and controlling what you feel may be worthwhile.

How John McCain, who clearly loves his country, can make a statement like the one I quoted is perplexing. Certainly, if, for the good of the country, he can find a way to cooperate, he should. I think he will. How the life of Tiger Woods and his wife unfolds is personally none of my business. But how people in general deal with each other in times of stress is my business. I don’t want to live in a world where people can’t take a breath and suppress their anger enough to try to find a rational solution to their problems. That world is an unpleasant and frankly a dangerous one in which to live.

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A Problem

January 9, 2010 by  
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I am working on a problem without, up to this point, much success.  The problem is: I take things too personally.  It is as if it’s being done to me, just me and only me.

I’ll give you a simple example:  I had my house painted.  After they were done, the “chief” painter said he would come back to get his ladders and buckets which were laying on the grass in my backyard at another time.  I figured a day or so.

I had thought up to that point that the job done had been superb.  But two days later, I noticed the paint on the door was buckling and the holes, were the house numbers used to be, had not been filled.  So the holes were still holes.

I called the painter and left a message but got no return phone call.  As I had experienced before this painter has an inability to return calls, although he returned my first call about getting the job within 24 hours. Anyway, the following day I place another call to again tell him about the ladders, buckets, door and holes.  This time I was not so cheery; but still no return phone-call.

One day later, I again left a message, only this time as was really angry.  I had become incensed by this painter’s attitude.  How dare he leave his stuff in my backyard now for 5 days?  How dare he not return my calls?

I don’t know the answer to these questions but maybe if I had kept my cool I would have a better chance to get my door and the holes fixed.  Now I’m not so sure.  I should have understood that the problem was the painter and not me.  But my ego got involved and became more important to me to let him know he was messing up.  And of course I got worked up.

So this is the problem I’m working on.  I’m working on not making everything about me.  I’m working on not getting so pissed when things don’t work out exactly how I want them to.  I’m working on concentrating on my ultimate goal and not letting my bruised ego become more important.

Maybe next time I’ll be able to make the phone calls without being angry and maybe things will turn out better.

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