Step Aside For Anger

October 14, 2009 by  
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Anger, I know it so well.  I lived with it for a very long time and have claimed it as a kin of mine.  It got my heart rate and blood pressure up, and it got my adrenaline, and noradrenaline up.  .  “Never” and “always were our code words and justified our relationship.  When we were at our best we felt invincible.

I have had plenty of reasons to offer anger room and board; I’ve tasted violence, discord and greed and I have felt powerless.  When I first met anger it offered a resolution for my problems.

Anger fueled my life until the curtain came down in the final act of my Cinderella story, where all that was most important to me was taken away.  But somehow it was then that I realized anger had taken too much space in my life and actually had overturned everything that had crossed its path.  So I opened my door and asked it to leave.  But anger is a sly thing and did not want to go without a fight.  But I was done fighting. So I left my door open and turned my back on it.

So if you see my homeless anger walking around, please don’t take pity on it and heed my advice; stay clear and offer it no shelter.  Do not fall for its empty promises of getting things done and making things right, it is all an illusion.  Do not let anger be comfortable in your life.

Trust me when I tell you nothing is free in this world and anger’s price is high.  It asks for your heart.

So step aside and let anger walk by and then make friends with anger’s enemies: compassion and understanding and when you do so you’ll finally get things done in the right way and you won’t have to look all around and have to make room in your life as well for anger’s favorite partner in crime, regret.

“What was my body to me? A kind of flunkey in my service. Let but my anger wax hot, my love grow exalted, my hatred collect in me, and that boasted solidarity between me and my body was gone”.  - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (author of “The Little Prince”).

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Will Everything Be Okay?

August 24, 2009 by  
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I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I have some ideas of how and why I’ve ended up with all this anger but that’s for another post.  Notice I’m not saying I’m an angry person but saying I have a lot of anger inside.  The difference is that my anger is not present in my life every day.  It’s like a caged animal just waiting to bounce out and when that happens it’s bloody.  I have been working on managing my anger for a long time and it is much better.  Maybe instead of being a jaguar it is now a snake.  The symbolism might not make sense to you but just believe it has gotten better.

My husband got scared of my anger a few times.  Last Saturday a very close friend of my his asked me to babysit for his one month old baby.  Not a big deal except that I had not really heard from this particular friend from October 08 through August 15th 09, when he came over for the first anniversary of my husband’s passing. 

I said “yes” as I always think if we can help a friend why not?  But then the anger started to come up.  Why would I be giving my Saturday to a man who didn’t bother to ask how I was for almost a year?  A man who said he considered my husband a brother.  But as I had said yes I followed through.  It turns out it was a beautiful time.  I don’t really know why this friend didn’t contact me for all this time but I have a hunch I will find out sooner rather than later.  I also know, while not very friendly of him not to have been there for me, he must have had things happen in his personal and business life and that he loved my husband and cares about me.  The point is he was really nice and spending a couple of hours with the baby was magical.

After feeding, changing the diapers the baby finally fell asleep laying on my chest.  She wanted my warmth to feel safe and connected and I welcomed it as it also made me feel connected.

Sunday night, my dog curled up with me.  That’s very unusual for him as his ritual is: licking me good night and then going to sleep at the bottom of the bed.  But last night he curled up with me.  I could feel his body heat and I’m sure he could feel mine and it was soothing.

When my husband was alive I used to ask him every night if everything was going to be okay.  I actually asked him that all the way to his last day when he was too frail to make everything okay even if he wanted to but he answered “yes” that everything was going to be okay.  When I was seeing a therapist she asked me why I would ask a question that I knew the only true answer would be “I don’t know.”  I couldn’t really answer her then but now that I think about it my answer would be that what I really wanted Chris and I to know was that we were together no matter what.  Of course neither he nor I could guarantee the outcome of anything but we could let each other know that we were there for each other and that made everything okay.

Chris left me with his immense love for me and his love lives within me and it warms me up. With loosing him I have also lost a lot of my anger.  I know it’s a strange thing to say as most people that have not gone through I huge loss would image adding more anger not loosing some.  But the truth is when life presents itself in its rawest form, there is no space for anger and as corny as it may sounds I have to say there is only space for love.

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No More Judging, at Least for Me

June 13, 2009 by  
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I’ve made progress.  I am now aware of when I start judging others and am able to stop.  I realized some time ago that I used judging as a way to keep a distance from others, and deal with my own jealousy and shortcomings.

As I learn to love and accept myself more, I also learn to see my judging for what it is; my misguided frustration.

We all have our demons and we deal with them in our own way.  Because I woman feels the need to have massive botox or plastic surgery doesn’t necessarily mean she’s superficial.  It might mean that it’s difficult for her to see her once smooth skin show the wear and tear of a life in mid stream.  It might be a certain lack of self-love or even a need to satisfy someone else, or absolutely no hang ups whatsoever, just a losing attempt to hold back time. Who knows?  That’s the point.  We don’t know what makes people tick. 

I often meet people of great success and when one of them acts cold, I used to think “how dare they treat me like that?  What an ass!”  I never stopped to think that might have been a way to hide their insecurity.  If you think about it you’ll see it can be a possible explanation.  Or maybe I was right all along and they were an ass.

Sometimes people say things that hurt but it might not be out of anger or someone acting mean it might be out of their own hurt.

I know my examples to make my point are not the most inspired but I think they are enough to start a conversation.

In any case, now I don’t judge and I instead observe.  It actually makes me happier because judging creates feelings inside that are corrosive.  My hope is to master this new quality of mine of non judging.

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