Dr. Drew On Envy And Our Celebrity Culture

March 25, 2011 by  
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Not a great fan of Dr. Drew – for people outside of the US who may not be familiar with his work, Dr. Drew is board certified in internal and addiction medicine. He is also the host of the TV show Celebrity Rehab and the radio show Loveline. While I find him to be very smart and insightful, it bugs me that he uses his knowledge to expose others for his own gain.

Anyway, in the clip below Dr. Drew discusses our obsession with celebrities. In it he is really clear, well spoken delivering great insight on the subject. He discusses our loss of understanding of what really brings us happiness and contentment – relationships and not money or power. He adds because as a society we model after narcissistic behavior of people that are not healthy, we feel empty and in pain.

A couple of days ago I wrote a post, Building Contentment With Real Values that addressed the same theme.

This is very important.

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Time To Accept We Can’t Change Others

February 1, 2011 by  
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Photo By Angie Rubin

Here is a hard one to learn; we can’t change others but we can change ourselves.  Why do I say it is hard?  Because we are so attached to proving our truth, intent and fairness are right that we keep coming up with new ways to express them.  And every attempt only brings us frustration and disappointments.

There is nothing wrong with trying to communicate our thoughts and feelings but what becomes a waste is when it is obvious that the recipient is not ready or doesn’t want to see things in a different way.  No matter how many alternatives you present for a different type of interpretation or relationship, you are not heard.  The other is stuck in their position and methodology and is not going to change no matter what we do.

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How To Have Successful Relationships

October 26, 2010 by  
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Angie Rubin

It’s hard to learn to accept others exactly as they are.   If it is a romantic relationship, we see the potential and we want to help our partner get there.  If it is a friend or a family member we want them to have the behavior we would have if faced with the same situation. In both cases, if we don’t realize people are different we are destined to have many disagreements and disappointments.

We see and judge the world in a very personal way and we often forget that others see things in different ways.  Of course I’m not talking about a group of people thinking it is wrong to rob a bank and another group thinking it is okay.  Robbing a bank it’s wrong, period.  But how we react to pain, challenge, and accomplishments is personal.  In the case of pain some of us might get reckless, or depressed, or go into complete denial.  Some of us like to be surrounded by others while others like to be left alone.  There is no right or wrong.  It is always how we see and process things.

There is also the issue of our own ego.  We become peeved when what we are saying is not taken to heart.  How many times have we said or listened to someone else say:  This is what’s going on and this is how you fix it” only to get upset and frustrated when the advice is not taken to heart?

When it comes to romantic relationships, the lack of acceptance becomes even more of an issue because what happens to one person affects the other.  Becoming interested in someone because we think XYZ about them – which bother us – will change once we have the opportunity to work on them, it’s a big mistake.  People are the way they are.  Either you love them as they are or not.

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Stop Being Manipulated

June 28, 2010 by  
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Many years ago I dated a very bright, good looking, neurologist.  In the very beginning he was the best boyfriend ever.  He called every day, carefully planned dates, and was very sweet but a month into the relationship things started to shift ever so slightly.  We would make plans to speak at 5pm but he would disappear until 8pm, leaving me to wonder if we were going to have dinner together or not.  He put me in a kayak in the ocean, for the first time in my life, and got upset when I couldn’t make it past the breaking waves.  Things continued to go south with the last drop being a trip we had planned to take together to NY which changed to include his daughter and turn me into the third wheel.  We were together between 4-5 months.

Looking back, it seems obvious to me that I had been manipulated.  I bought into “he is a neurologist and a nice guy he could never be perverse. There must be something wrong with me.”

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Marching Through Changes

June 23, 2010 by  
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Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.  ~Faith Baldwin

Change is unsettling, even if it’s for the better.

We get use to anything, even pain and hurt, and somehow what we know – even if it false – makes us feel secure and gives us some type of referential in life.

My conversation yesterday during my therapy session was about a particular change I’ve been going through the last few years.

Years ago, to cover up my insecurities, I started acting tough.  I remember going to parties and standing in a corner with an attitude that said; I’m too good for this and that’s why I’m standing here looking tough.  The truth was that I was too scared to connect with strangers.  It wasn’t that I sat down one day and decided to start acting tough, it just happened.  But I’ve always also been a very kind person so I started to live in conflict between who I was and how I was presenting myself to the world.  In my tough phase I also found people that supported my behavior.  They too were insecure.

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Sometimes Its Not About Being Shady But Shy

June 5, 2010 by  
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EYE-4

I have always been guilty of making assumptions about people’s behavior based on feelings I pick up around them.

Now, I’m unusually sensitive to other people’s body and emotional signals but can get myself in trouble when interpreting them.  The reason is when trying to understand someone else’s behavior – let’s say a discomfort in looking others in the eye – we may interpret that as shady but the reason might be shyness.  The manifestations for both behaviors (shady and shyness) are the same but if we are using our own  understand and practices to interpret someone else’s attitudes, things can go the wrong.

Another action we might take is interpreting other people’s behavior is to turn it to be about us.  He or she is not looking me in the eye because he or she is trying to avoid me.  I wonder what I have done.  Am I not smart enough?  Interesting enough?

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Why Are We Our Own Worst Enemy?

May 10, 2010 by  
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We jump to conclusions, we imagine take-overs and we strike back.  I see it time and time again and I do because I am a recovering “the world is out to get me” person.

Some years ago, there was someone in my life that used to tell me all the time: “It’s not about you.  It’s almost never about you.”  That’s when I started to put the brakes on my thinking and reacting.  What if this person was right?  What if the bad moods, unreturned phone calls and bad behaviors, were not about me and I was getting all worked up and ready to fight?

So I started stopping myself from reacting by breathing and calming myself down.  I also started telling myself it most likely wasn’t about me and if it was I would have plenty of time to deal with the situation.  Not reacting, I learned, would always give me time to see if it was about me and to put my thoughts together if it was.

I’m thinking about this because I recently had an exchange with someone who COMPLETELY misread my actions and went on an attack that was uncalled for. The more I tried to explain that she was misreading what I was saying, the more she attacked me.  I then realized it really wasn’t about me.  It was about her.  For whatever reasons this person is angry and she is looking for a way to justify why she is a victim.  I could have been me or anybody else.  To her it didn’t matter.  She needed to lash out.

So next time you feel attacked, or ignored, take a moment to consider if it really is about you.  Most likely it is not, and the best response is to wish that person well and move on.

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