Much has happened lately that has kept me away from writing my blogs. A couple of weeks ago my 86 year old dad contracted a very serious pneumonia. It was touch and go there for a while. It was stressful, painful and transformative.
First, let me just say that as of a couple of days ago, he is stable. Yesterday he sat up for the first time in three weeks and today he has made his first sounds.
While at his age, contemplating the end of a relationship is not out of the ordinary, when the situation does present itself it brings about much fear, acceptance and contemplation.
There is much to be learned in the time of crisis. What is important and what isn’t. What we can do with and what we can co without. Finding serenity in chaos. Finding love for others and oneself.
My dad has been in the ICU for the past two weeks. While he’s doing a little bit better, the outcome is still uncertain.
But wait only a couple of weeks ago I was reflecting in what a good time this is for me personally and professionally. After mourning the passing of my husband for the past two and a half years, I have now started to feel strong and happiness has come back to grace my heart. And professionally, this too is a good time.
When my dad first got sick, I got angry. Why now? Haven’t I gone through enough? Why now that I’m feeling my life is finally moving forward? I had thoughts like: “All I want is to be left alone and quiet for a little while and just live my life.”
Wow. So much has happened in the last few days. Bear with me for a moment while I make my way to the point I want to make.
Last Tuesday my dad – who is 86 years old and lives in Brazil – was rushed to the hospital with a bad cough. While most of us would wait out a bad cough before flying to the hospital, my dad has 16 stents, a pacemaker, and has had a triple bypass. He might actually be the man with the most number of stents of any heart in the world. So a heavy cough puts a lot of strain in his heart.
My dad is back in the hospital.
My mom just called to say that in the middle of the night he felt sick and was rushed to the emergency room. He had three more stents put into his heart. He now has a total of fourteen stents. He also needs to stabilize so he can undergo another surgery to clear up all the clots in his heart.
My mother was crying and said: “He wants so much to live”. I too want my dad so much to live. He’s eighty four and has been my rock through many ups and downs of my life. It was him that I called when things with Chris would take a turn for the worse, knowing that he was there for me helped me to survive.
I know we’re coming to the end of our journey together and I’ll miss him very much when that happens. He has taught me that nothing stays the same and that life is really worth living.
I hope I have a little more time with him but whatever happens he knows how much I love and cherish him.
Losing Chris really taught me the importance of spending time with the people you love and care about and letting them know often how much you appreciate them.
I have no regrets of things that I did or didn’t do with and for Chris. I did and felt everything that I was capable of.
When my dad wakes I’ll know when I’m going to travel to Brazil to be with him but in the meantime I’ll be there in my heart and in my mind.
I love you dad.