An Existential Quanundrum

January 13, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Today I’m watching my dogs play and I’m jealous or their contentment, lack of ambition and worry of their position in the universe.  They simply are.

Today I’m in a funk.  The reason doesn’t really matter but it has brought up for me a profound sadness.  I catch myself thinking:  Why try so hard?  What is it all for?  Long time asked and not answered existential questions.

I went to speak at a film school this morning about producing.  One of the questions asked was:  How did I know at age eighteen if I was on the right track?  My answer was: I still don’t know if I’m on the right track.  What is the right track?  There is only the choices we make every day.

My mother always says: We all walk in the dark.  And in a way we do.  We don’t know what doors will close or open and the only constant is ourselves.  We walk in the dark carrying ourselves within us.

Yesterday, during my therapy session my therapist said that once I became more knowledgeable of me, I wouldn’t feel the need to react to everything and would draw more contentment from relationships.  What a strange thing.  To have to work at knowing ourselves as if we were two separate individuals; one that just is and the other who works at getting to know the first one.

I talked to a friend this morning on my way to speaking at the school and told him I was really tired; tired of always trying and often not succeeding.  His answer was: Don’t you think that’s how most people feel?  Jokingly I said: I don’t care about other people.  We’re talking about me.  Yes, it was a joke but in a way there is truth to it.  Today thousands are feared dead in Haiti, and who knows how many more in Iraq and Afghanistan but still today I’m thinking of me.

I’m not judging or condemning myself for thinking of me after all I’m human and behave as one.  I’m just making a statement.

Life is complicated.  We have to navigate waters of many different emotions in a world with many peoples and stories.  But within all of  it there is a gondolier who needs to keep his or her balance and put the paddle down in the water and push.  Maybe the key is in the pushing.  In realizing that pushing with too much strength might make the gondola overturn.  Maybe the key is in the rhythm.  I’m still seeking mine.

So today I’m resigned to watching my dogs be with the hope one day I’ll too just be.   In the meantime I’m going to do my best to wear my life jacket in case I end up in the water.