Detaching From The Outcome

May 10, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured

I really like this post by Mike Alvear because of the attitude it supports.  Live in the moment, enjoy the process, and don’t worry about the results.  Even though he focuses on getting the girl/guy the practice of what he’s discussing should be apply to all aspects of living.

Meet Men The Way You Lose Weight: By Detaching From The Outcome

Nothing keeps us further away from guys we’re interested in than the fear of rejection. Even if the guy you like rejects you nicely, a no is a NO. The thought of him looking for something better as you’re talking or excusing himself from the conversation is too much to bear. What if he walks away as you’re talking? What if everybody sees it? These are real possibilities, after all. You might be ignored. Worse, MOCKED. The potential for a negative emotional outcome is high, especially if you don’t know what to say or how to act. Better to leave with your self-esteem intact than to take the chance that he’ll crush it under his heel.

How do you get rid of this fear of rejection? By disconnecting yourself from results and connecting with the process. Let’s take dieting as an example. Your goal (the desired outcome) is to lose ten pounds. The method (or process) is to eat fewer calories.

Focusing on the outcome drives you to weigh yourself every day looking for signs that you lost weight. You then become frustrated that you’re not losing weight fast enough. So you starve yourself to get quicker results. The starvation leads to anxiety and a sense of futility and next thing you know, you’re off the diet.

Over-attachment to the outcome rarely works.

Here’s another approach: You never weigh yourself. You forget your goal of losing ten pounds. What matters is getting healthier. And the only way to do that is to eat better. So you focus on that, eating smaller portions of healthy food, avoiding high-fat snacks and desserts. You’re adapting to a new lifestyle and at the end of the month you realize you’ve lost some weight.

That’s committing to the process and detaching from the outcome. And it works every time…Continued

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Dare To Be

May 8, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Human Hearts

Human Hearts

Freedom lies in being bold.  ~Robert Frost

We are so goal oriented and afraid that we often squash life’s fire.  It is a tough balance but there is one between being reckless and too safe.

Pick a day and throw all caution to the wind.  Pick a day and be different.  Pick a day and live every sane thought that pops into your mind.  Challenge yourself.

Life needs creativity to prosper.  And we need change to grow and to learn.

As we grow older and understand the cost of loss we become more careful.  We don’t want to suffer and we don’t want to lose.

I think the balance is in reading our true selves – not a neurotic or scared version of us -and giving ourselves the support we need to dare.

There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Why You Fear Love and Success

May 4, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured

I found this article on the Huffington Post and wanted to share because it talks about how our own happiness and contentment is up to us.  And how much the work we do is within ourselves.  I’m a firm believer our journey through life is a journey within.

by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

In an earlier blog I quoted Rumi’s Guesthouse poem in order to convey a radical approach to our difficulties in everyday life. He says:

This being human is a guest-house.Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

However, it’s not always the difficult emotions we’re trying to avoid. Sometimes there’s a subtle, or not too subtle, aversion to the “positive” feelings like “love” or “joy” that come for life or success. Why might this be?

Well, one thing I’ve learned over time in my own life and as a psychologist is that emotions aren’t so black and white. For example, anger doesn’t just come with anger alone; at times it comes with sadness or other emotions. We just have these words to help us better define emotions as we do with other things.

In this same vein, when we’re growing up we often have a natural love for our parents, but this can get mixed up with other uncomfortable emotions. If we grew up in a scary household perhaps love got mixed up with fear or if we grew up in a family of divorce, love may have been mixed with fear or the sadness or anger of separation or failure.

In other words, in order to feel love, we might also have to feel these uncomfortable emotions. So, acting in our best interest to avoid discomfort, some part of ourselves decided to keep the uncomfortable emotions at bay and at the same time keeps the love or joy at bay.

All kinds of tricks of the mind are deployed to have this work out. Perhaps we discount the positive and exaggerate the negative or maybe just go up in our heads and analyze over and over again to avoid the feelings…Continued

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Thoughts On Self-Confidence

April 28, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Love

Love

Sometimes we are afraid of taking certain actions.  The reasons can be: 1 – We think we couldn’t possible to X, or  2 – We are afraid if we fail what others will think of us or 3 – What do others think of us in general?  Are we good enough?

Let’s think for a moment about “we think we couldn’t possibly do X”.  The truth is we don’t know. And if we never try we will always be stuck exactly where we are.  Why not shift the focus of our thinking from fear of failure to exhilaration?  Instead of being afraid let’s be curious about what will happen if we do succeed.  By turning a negative into a positive we can overcome our fears and move on. And once we do, let’s make sure not to forget to look back and rejoice in what we have just achieved.

How about fear of what others will think of us if we fail?  That questions points to a different issue.  It points to a fragile ego.  If we realize that life is a journey, full of excitements, wins and losses, we know that the only way to move forward is by having self-confidence and taking risks.  Loss is part of life and so is winning. So let’s not care about what others think of us.

And lastly “are we good enough?”  If we think we are; then we are.  It is truly up to us because 1 – there is no such a thing as good enough  2 – If we are on a journey to live a happy and rich life, we know where we are headed and we don’t need anybody’s approval to keep moving forward.

Being self-confident makes life feel more free and easy.  All the worrying feels like a ton of bricks on our backs, and who needs that?  The time of slavery is over.

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The Only Thing We Have To Fear

November 24, 2009 by  
Filed under Uncategorized

Is fear itself .   That quote was made famous by our 32nd President, Franklin D. Roosevelt, more than a half century ago.   It still is heralded as one of the monumental statements of modern day politics.  A close look at the state of the world today would serve as a reasonable catalyst to have us use it with more frequency. 

Surely as the Earth’s population grows, so do the complexities of everyday living.  Unfortunately, in many instances, diversity is met with suspicion, distrust and, yes, often times fear.   As our ethnic, religious, political and economic boundaries continuously mesh, we tend to cling more to what we know rather than open ourselves up to learn more.  When we can sensibly conclude that whether we profess to be Christians or Jews, born of Nordic or Sub Saharan parents and are diametrically opposed on every matter that our representatives stand for, we all also have undeniable commonalities.  

The more we attune ourselves to this fact, the less fear will play a part in our growth.  Some of you, depending on what your birth certificate indicates, will recall a telephone company ad campaign that used the memorable slogan, “Reach out and touch someone”.  Well, we need to do more of just that.  Not by using our credit card to place a call, but by using our stored up kindness and offering it to a Republican or a Democrat; a Muslim or a Buddhist; a businessman or a farmer; an Ethiopian or a Korean.   We need to extricate our pent up anxieties and replace them with well- intended assurances. 

Let’s face it, the world is getting smaller as we become more enjoined with others.  There’s no stopping that.  Simply put, adjustments have to be made.  There will always be a few that will want to play dirty and arouse the worst in people.  These are the nay sayers to peace and good will.   They thrive on the maligned concept that what or who you don’t know is bad for you.  Rubbish!  Just as when we were children, the “boogey man” was always in the dark and he was always gone when we turned the light on.

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