Being Coherent With Our Truth

March 19, 2012 by  
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Sometimes being coherent with ourselves and respectful of who we are can put situations and relationships at risk.  So, what do we do?

If something inside of us is telling us a particular situation isn’t right, but we know confronting it might mean an adverse response, do we go forward and explore how we feel or do we retreat and try to bury the feelings?

I think the true answer is, we move forward in step with our feelings.  While we are risking losing the situation or the person by confronting them with our feelings, we will be living in our truth which is the only way we can live in harmony.  Because, not giving air to our thoughts and feelings does not make them go away.  It only transforms them into resentment, anger and sadness.  So, it is obvious that as hard as sometimes it can be, we must act according to our truth.

Now, how we go about it is something we can work on.  First we have to make peace with all the possibilities that can happen by our actions – from the best to the worst.  Once we thought about all the outcomes then we have to think of the approach as we are trying for the best.  So planning is a good thing.

Picking the right time, and coming from a place of love – rather than anger and resentment – will allow us to stay in respect for us, the other person and the situation.  Calmly stating how we feel without blame and accusations will most certainly give the other person the chance to also be truthful.

Once the cards are on the table a decision can be made as to the future of a situation or relationship.  If it is not the outcome expected we must remind ourselves that what has taken place would have been the end result regardless.  The truth is the truth.  But, what we have gained is the knowledge that however hard a situation might be for us to confront, we have the strength and the respect to say: “I don’t want to live this.”

As we go on in our lives respecting our own boundaries a sense of strength and respect develops within us – which is a lot more important and truthful than hoping that which isn’t  right to transform itself in being right.

It takes courage to live in harmony, but it really is the only way to find true contentment.



Give Up On Being Right And Be Happy

March 11, 2012 by  
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One key ingredient to any successful relationship is giving up on being right.  That goes for any type of relationship.

If two friends have different points of view, fighting to prove that one is right and the other is wrong is a recipe for disaster.

If co-workers have different ways to go about a solution, fighting to prove one way is better than the other, is the quickest way to discord and most likely failure.

The point is: it never matters who is right.  What matters is to be able to do what’s needed in co-operation and that only can happen if both parties can get their ego out of the way and tend to the task at hand.

Relationship intelligence teaches us to realize – before too late – that we are headed to a confrontation if we don’t approach a subject humbly.  What I mean is; instead of saying this is how it is, what about saying “what do you think?”  By inviting and being open to the other person’s point of view we show 1 – their opinion is important, and 2 – we are willing to listen.   It’s a simple adjustment that makes friends instead of enemies.

Another key ingredient is paying compliments.  I’m not talking about making up lies or being sugary.  I’m talking about recognizing a quality in another person and letting them know we are aware and appreciate it.   The message is: I see you.

Why not be supportive?  All of us deal with rejections on a daily basis. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we heard from our partners, friends and colleagues that there is something about us they truly appreciate?

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter if we are right or wrong.  What matters is that we find a way to live in harmony with the people that are important to us.  It also doesn’t hurt to spread a little love by telling others how they matter to us.

Try it out.  Give up being right, pay some compliments and watch your life change .


Should We Take Advice From Others?

December 12, 2011 by  
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Photo By Angie Rubin

I love to talk.  I love sharing everything that goes on in my head.  I also often ask others: What do you think?

Every person that I ask that question of gives their best shot when answering.  They think about my issue and using their love and care for me respond with honesty.  This can be a truly satisfying exchange if my objective is by using dialogue, explore different possibilities.  But it can also be damaging if I accept the other person’s point of view as my own without that being the case.

The reason is pretty simple: the way each of us sees the world is a result of our own set of values.  What is important to others may not be important to us or vice-versa.

When a friend or a family member gives their opinion it is based on what would make them satisfied.  Not necessarily on what would make us happy.

Making decisions has to do with taking actions that are in accordance with our personal sense of right and wrong.  Making the “correct” decision means maintaining harmony between who we are and how we behave.  And that only us can know.

If we use dialoguing with others as a way to explore our own choices and possibilities then it is a great experience.  But if we follow what others think because we’re uncertain or because we are afraid of taking responsibility for our unique choice, we may end up finding ourselves in trouble.  We most certainly have a better chance of creating harmony with our actions if they are the result of self-exploration.

So dialogue with others but remember in the end it is only you that you need to satisfy with your actions.

There are old heads in the world who cannot help me by their example or advice to live worthily and satisfactorily to myself; but I believe that it is in my power to elevate myself this very hour above the common level of my life – Henry David Thoreau


How To Use Emotional Intelligence

October 20, 2011 by  
Filed under Featured

Photo by Angie Rubin

I was thinking about forgiveness – for oneself and others – when I came across the below post which discusses emotional intelligence which are the two sides of the same coin.

It is easy to get angry at others.  After all people think and feel in different ways.  But if we react negatively to every frustration we will most certainly end up alone.

So how do we deal with the gut reaction that wants us to confront others and take them to the mat? By using emotional intelligence and forgiving.

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Connecting To Love On Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday

January 17, 2011 by  
Filed under Uncategorized

Angie Rubin

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it – Martin Luther King Jr.

Today marks the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr., an exceptional man who understood violence begets violence.  No one will disagree that MLK had every right to be hateful.  But the pastor knew in hate he would destroy himself and what he was trying to accomplish.  And even though he was murdered what he had set as his life’s goal and mission did come to fruition.   No, we don’t have racial equality today, but we do have laws that protect our ongoing serious discourse. Much has been accomplished and much more needs to happen.

If you think about it, in its essence hate is an emotion of the ego.

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Being Tolerant Even If We Don’t Understand

July 8, 2010 by  
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UNESCO (United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization) offers the following definition of Tolerance:

“Tolerance is respect, acceptance and appreciation of the rich diversity of our world’s cultures, our forms of expression and ways of being human. Tolerance is harmony in difference”

A well regarded site defines tolerance as follows:

“To tolerate means that you put up with something you don’t particularly like or that may even be most disgusting to you. Therefore, if I do not like a certain behavior or if I speak out against a certain lifestyle it is not accurate or fair to label me intolerant. In certain quarters today one is labeled quite intolerant if he speaks out against certain behaviors like homosexuality or abortion on demand or porn on the airwaves. But this is not intolerance because tolerance presupposes that one does not like that which he tolerates. Many people today in these various lifestyles are calling on us to embrace their sin in the name of tolerance. Tolerance does not require that we be neutral, accept, condone or embrace the evil around us.

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Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously

May 15, 2010 by  
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heart on the beach

heart on the beach

Sometimes we just take ourselves too seriously.  We have pre-conceived ideas and are often judgmental about ourselves and others.  But how much do we miss out on life by saying “no” to things just because we think they are not proper or don’t fall within the limits of the rule book?  And how much do we use judgment and rules to hide our fear behind?

Fear keeps us from being spontaneous and in the moment.  And what’s this fear about? Maybe it’s of being judged or maybe it is of consequences for being unique and doing things our own way.

Living life to the beat of our own drum requires a good amount of courage and self-esteem.  It also requires not taking ourselves so seriously and sometimes doing things just because we want to.  No thoughts about the outcome only the present experience.

Why am I talking about all of this today?  Because today I let myself go and did something I would have usually not done because of my own preconceived ideas of what a woman of wisdom and maturity should be like, and it was a good experience.  No judging.  Just being present without wondering what it all means.

We have many parts to ourselves that on the outside might seem conflicting: serious, reckless, mature, silly, but they are not.  We just need to recognize that seeming opposition can live in harmony within us.