Kiss At Midnight

December 30, 2009 by  
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There is overwhelming silence when you live alone. It’s hard to conceive that I am 53 and living alone for the first time. I lived with my parents until I got married at 19. I became a mom at 22. Extremely uncomfortable and unbalanced with silence, I became the social director for my family and consistently filled our home with friends and laughter.

It has now been 376 days since my husband passed away. I miss him more than words can describe. I continue to experience such a range of emotions not having his arms and legs wrapped around me when I go to sleep. Waking up alone each and every morning only reinforces the reality that he is truly gone.

Each night snuggled securely in each other’s arms, we could be intensely intimate through touch, even without making love. Touch can offer a climax of passion that begins deep within your heart. I still find myself aching with raw emotions, reaching to retain the memory of his body against mine. There are times when I open the bathroom cabinet and the smell of my husband’s cologne is so strong it overwhelms me. With the smell of his presence, I close my eyes and hold him close.

The adjustment of traveling this journey alone has been terrifying. I know I have the choice to either make this transition move forward or settle and remain captive in my grief. There are days when the sadness overpowers me. The end of last year was spent existing in shock. Numbness and indifference pushed me through the year. I had moments when I felt somewhat confident yet they were gone as quickly as they came.

Now the end of the year is almost here. On New Years Eve I will be alone for the countdown. Even though I won’t feel my husband’s kiss at midnight, my soul will know he is there. I cherish the years we had together in this life and the love we shared.

When we look back at this year, what memories will we think about? What will we treasure the most?

What will I take forward with me, from this year filled with moments without my husband?

I will treasure memories of my family and friends, always there for me when I didn’t have the strength nor desire to stand on my own. Memories of honoring my husband by trying to do the best I could without him. Memories of hope.

Always treasure your special memories. Happy New Year.

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No False Gods

August 17, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

Today I came across a very interesting interpretation of a bible saying: “Thou shall have no false gods before me.  No graven images.  Only God and the Light”.  

In this particular interpretation the false gods the writer was referring to are the false images we create and worship of ourselves.  “I’m ugly.  No one will ever want to be with me.”  ”I’m not smart enough that’s why all my friends have gotten ahead of me in life”.  These of course are very simplistic examples of creating false gods and then worshiping them. 

Why is that we don’t create images of ourselves that can actually benefit us?  “I’m attractive to some people plus I have many other good qualities that make me a very worth while person.” Or “I’m smart and capable.  I need to develop more confidence in myself and in time I can be as successful as some of my friends”.

I’m not a subscriber to taping positive quotes to my mirrors and refrigerators or repeating positive thoughts five times a day every two hours but I do believe that we, more than anybody else, sabotage our own efforts by spelling doom and gloom with the “false gods’ images we have created of ourselves for ourselves.

So, I’ve decide today to make an extra effort to change my image of myself to myself.  I will try to think of me with the kindness I reserve to others and will try my best to get out of my own way.  I will try to worship more positive images of myself and I’m quite sure I’ll see changes in my life while impacting others by offering a more fulfilled Deborah for them to interact with.

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