The One Year Mark

August 11, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

Saturday it will be one year since my husband died.  The whole experience of time continues to be very confusing and I have a feeling it will stay like that forever.  In one hand it feels it happened at another life time on the other hand it feels like it happened today. Chris is present in my every thought.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I dreamt that all of a sudden his death hit me.  I was in complete despair.  I whaled for him and for me.  I kept asking what was I going to do without him. 

I remember calling my best friend in Brazil but she wouldn’t answer.  I ran away, my father came after me.  It became a chase scene where he was running (he’s 84 years old in real life and couldn’t run a block) and calling my mother, my sister, my in-laws to try to get me.  I was running through tunnels and obstacles trying to lose them.  Somehow they finally caught up with me in what looked like an old stone walled theatre.  My dad was trying to talk me out of ending my life by offering suggestions of how to continue living.  To his suggestions, I kept explaining I did not have the talent to succeed.  All of a sudden I see Chris’ dad’ knees buckle.  His face was to the wall and he was in terrible pain.  Chris’ dad is 92 years old in real life.  I felt guilty for the pain I was causing but my pain was greater.

Anyway, there is more to the dream but I don’t think you are necessarily interested in the details of my life.  My intention in sharing my dream is to share the fear, insecurity and sadness that the one year mark is bringing to me.  Maybe you have not lost a partner but all of us have had losses or will have losses in our lives.  That is the nature of existing. 

I don’t know the answers to life, although I’m constantly asking the questions,but I do know talking about how we feel surely helps.

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