Is Everything Going To Be Okay?

June 2, 2012 by  
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Photo by Angie Rubin

First I used to ask my best friend if everything would turn out well.  Then I asked a therapist, my late husband and then the new best friend.  What I was really asking was: regardless of all that is going on in my life today, tell me that in the end I’m going to be okay.  I will be left standing and happy.

As I extracted these assurances from others, deep down I knew no one could guarantee the outcome of anything.  But, hearing the words “everything is going to be okay” – even knowing they held an empty promise – made me feel safe.

I am spending time with my dad, who is 87 years old, and who last year spent two months in the ICU.  No one thought he was going to come out – including me.   The combination of 47 years of cardiac history, age and a nasty lung infection did not bode well for a good outcome.  But, he did come out.

My dad has forgotten how close he came from dying and is unhappy by his current physical limitations.  I reminded him, at his age he has outlived everyone in his family.  And yes, at 87 his life is different.  He can still have any experience he wants in his mind and heart, but not in the physical world.  His frame is frail.

Life is seldom what we imagine it to be.  It is what it is.  What we do with it, is where we get to express who we are.  Am I lucky to be alive at 87 years of age or am I unlucky to have limitations?

I still ask from time to time if everything is going to be okay.  I ask that when I feel vulnerable and need a quick fix of an empty promise.

But, most of the time I have learned to appreciate what I have in my life and trust the never ending flux of opportunities.

Truthfully, I don’t really know what having everything turn out okay really means.  What I do know is from each obstacle I have to surpass, I learn to jump higher and my legs get more limber.  And in the end I’ll be left  holding a large bag of wisdom.

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What Do We Do With The Feeling Of Emptiness?

December 22, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

It’s raining cats and dogs here in Los Angeles.  While driving home last night, I called a girlfriend in Brazil to keep me company as I drove through the flooded streets.

My friend has known me since I’m nine years old.  The wonderful thing about long standing relationships – especially the ones you have since childhood – is that they know and have seen you through different stages of life.  My friend and I have great intimacy and love for each other.

We started to talk about the empty “hole” people feel from time to time.  Why do we sometimes feel blue or anxious or unhappy when nothing really has happened to warrant those feelings?

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