The Difficult Task Of Going With The Flow

April 9, 2012 by  
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Going with the flow, living in the moment, having no expectations could be the most difficult state of mind to reach as it means letting go of the outcome.

Somehow, somewhere we bought into the illusion that if we have a tight grip on our lives we will be spared from hurt and pain.  That is not so.  The effects are actually the opposite — the tighter the grip, the greater the confusion.

I have been a widow for almost four years now.   A couple of months ago I met someone who sparked my interest.  The first one in many years.  In my mind – and based in my past experiences – I was embarking into a committed relationship.  But, to my surprise my new partner saw things differently.  He truly enjoyed our time together when we were together, but wasn’t ready, didn’t want, or couldn’t commit to only being with me.

At that point, I was faced with a few choices: 1 – change the situation, 2 – leave it, 3 – change how I felt about it, 4 – accept it,  5- become miserable or 6 – make things worse.

My first choice was to leave the situation.  In my mind it was either you’re ready to give this a shot or you’re not.  And staying open to meeting other people did not seem to me to translate into really giving it a shot.   I think in my decision, I didn’t take into consideration my partner’s history, rhythm or way of living.  I actually don’t even know if he was seeing others or was more attached to the idea/possibility of it.

A couple of weeks after me telling this person, I was no longer interested in seeing him under the circumstances he was proposing, I realized I was unhappy.  I missed his company, what we had started building together, the feeling of being connected and the attention he offered me.  I realized being without him at that particular moment was harder than being with him.  So, I called, and we got together.  But, I had stipulations for the new situation.  If he wanted an open relationship then we couldn’t email, text, call as much as we had in the past and we were not to ask each other where we were and what we were doing.  My thinking was this way I would protect myself from knowing something that would undoubtedly upset me.

Well, a couple of more weeks went by and I had another realization.  I wasn’t being spontaneous and thus I wasn’t getting as much out of the experience as I could.  And I still worried about the outcome.

I again ran through the six possibilities I had run through only a few weeks back (see above) and finally realized the only sensible thing to do was to let go of the outcome.  If we will live together happily ever after or if we will stop seeing each other by tomorrow is a question mark, but enjoying each other as much as possible and being in the moment is a certain possibility.

We lose a lot when we don’t accept things as they are.  By doing that we actually get in the way of letting life sort itself out and possibly give us the outcome we wanted.

Arm wrestling a relationship to reflect our needs, fears and insecurities will just lead to pain and hurt.  While acceptance will lead to real experiences.

Of course, I’m discussing a situation that involves respect and mutual liking.  When that is not present then staying means opening oneself up to an abusive relationship.  You must know the difference.

This is a new experience for me, but I do know it is something I must go through now.  And so I check in with myself constantly and ask the same six questions.  When the answer changes, then it will be time to switch my behavior.  In the meantime, I’m laughing and enjoying my moment.

 

 

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Living In The Moment

March 16, 2011 by  
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The middle-east is in upheaval, Japan is partially destroyed, unrest goes on in Wisconsin, and all of us wonder about nuclear power.  Those are just a few of the major situations going on in the world today.

The world is changing.  Politics, economy, environment, governments are all in flux.  It is hard to predict which direction some of these changes are going to take.  And that makes us nervous.

But we must stay steady (not to be caught in fear) and flexible (to adapt to the changes) and the only way we can accomplish that, is by living in the moment.

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Experiencing Endless Love

December 17, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured

Candles

I have just read the below article in the Chicago Tribune.  It’s a story of love and courage of a 32 year old woman falling in love and marrying a 31 year old man suffering from a very aggressive cancer.

When Bahar Mallah met Nick Schmidt at a bar in Chicago, he told her he wasn’t drinking because he had cancer.  Instead of being thrown off she replied by asking him if that was his best line.  By staying there Bahar made the decision to live in the moment and see where it led.  Bahar and Nick fell in love and married.  And 51 days after their wedding he passed away. Bahar is in a lot of pain now.  She misses Nick. But, she is also quick to share she is okay with all the decisions she’s made.  She got to deeply experience love and to discover the door within her that was opened by meeting Nick will stay forever open.

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All About Happiness

April 4, 2010 by  
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We all want it, but are we going about it the right way?  I am convinced that a state of well being and satisfaction is closer and more attainable than we think.  Homes, money, power, success can all be good things but they don’t necessarily bring well being if we’re not in touch with what really matters to us. Who cares about a big house if we feel empty inside? Who cares about power if we don’t love and respect ourselves? And success? We can be successful today and live in fear of tomorrow. A sense of well being and satisfaction will come from:

1  – Living in the moment (if we are present we can enjoy what we have today.  We can enjoy each other and the world we live in)

2 – Slowing down (if we are always in a hurry we are full of stress and have not time to appreciate anything)

3 – Giving up control (we can’t control everyone and everything.  Life, others, the planet all have a rhythm and that’s what makes it all interesting)

4 – Relationships (relationships with the mailman, cat, dog, neighbor, family, friends, strangers)

5 – Remembering to do simple and inexpensive things for ourselves everyday (a meal, a glass of wine, a walk, a massage, etc.)

And here’s a really good article on happiness that I wanted to share:

10 Grateful Steps to Happiness

Beach

[Photo by nattu]

PsyBlog has gone gratitude-mad this week, what with reporting experimental evidence that practicing gratitude can increase happiness by 25% and reviewing ‘thanks‘ , the book by the study’s author. To round it off here are Dr Robert Emmons’ top 10 tips for actually becoming more grateful, and consequently more happy.

1. Keep a gratitude journal
Sit down, daily, and write about the things for which you are grateful. Start with whatever springs to mind and work from there. Try not to write the same thing every day but explore your gratefulness.

2. Remember the bad
The way things are now may seem better in the light of bad memories. Don’t forget the bad things that have happened, the contrast may encourage gratefulness.

3. Ask yourself three questions
Choose someone you know, then first consider what you have received from them, second what you have given to them and thirdly what trouble you have caused them. This may lead to discovering you owe others more than you thought…Continued

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