The Emotions Of Touch

October 24, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

One morning I woke up and didn’t feel alone. Instantly my thoughts raced, maybe if I turn over slowly I’ll see my husband laying beside me. What if this had all been just a dream?

For many years I went to sleep and then woke up wrapped in my husband’s arms. After my husband left for Eternal Life I slept in the living room in his chair. I couldn’t bring myself to return to our bed. To sleep curled up in his chair made me feel safe like I did when he put his arms around me and held me tight. 

On the second month anniversary of his passing, I sat on our bed, something I had not done since he left. I would just look at our bed when I walked past it on my way to the shower, especially at his USGA throw draped across the corner. When the men from the funeral home took him out of the house, the throw was draped over his legs. My daughter walked beside me as I followed them… This wasn’t going to be like the time the ambulance took him to the hospital. This time he would never be coming back home. 

It was then, two months since he left our home that my emotions won the tug-of-war. I had shoved them deep down inside for more than a year. During his my husband’s illness for me to acknowledge my feeling hadn’t been an option. My whole focus and purpose had been to care for him, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed to show him I was strong and that he didn’t need to worry about me. We needed to use all of our energy and concentrate in saving his life. We both did everything that was asked of us and more. We were focused to live and without regrets.

Recently a woman shared with me she gave everything of her husbands away that first week after he died. The only thing she kept was his pajamas which she sleeps in every night. I couldn’t tell her that we didn’t own pajamas.

All of my husband’s things are still in the closets. I used to question myself on why. Am I only making it harder on myself? What was the reason I couldn’t let them go? Joan Didion, the author of “The Year of Magical Thinking” wrote that she couldn’t give her husband’s shoes away because she thought he would need them when he returned. I have accepted that it’s OK if I’m not ready to give anything of his away. I don’t have to have a reason.

I have never been a “stuff” person which goes back to my mantra of quality over quantity always. Right now I know I need his stuff with me. I still keep his t-shirts organized by color just like he always did. I know that would make him smile since I always kidded him about doing that.

Now every night with his shirts wrapped around me I feel his touch as I lay down in the middle of our bed. I talk to him just as if he’s laying right there with me. Then I ask him to hold me, hold me tight.