Have you ever been thinking about a friend when the phone rings? “I was just thinking about you! You exclaim. But, is it a coincidence or were the two of you connected beyond the five senses?
There is much that goes on in our lives that are beyond what we see, smell, taste, hear and touch. Our intuition is what captures this other type of information and acts as a pool of wisdom for each one of us. All we need to tap into this great resource is to look within.
Unfortunately, most of us regard this great tool and resource as confusing noise because we simply can’t believe we would actually know what the right answer or action would be.
The way we operate is; we have an instinct, but then we disregard it. “How could I possibly know?” It’s usually our response.
Over time I have come to realize how great my instincts are. I always know the truth, I – like most – just have trouble following. So, I have come up with a way to give myself a chance to connect and believe in that which I know.
When something important comes up that I need to make a decision on, I sit quietly and tell myself “You know what to do. You know the truth.” I then wait for the answer to come. It always arrives clearly and peacefully. Once I hear it, I follow it.
In the beginning, this process is a bit scary. “What if I’m wrong?” pops into our minds. The way to deal with that is by taking a deep breath and reminding oneself the second the instinct hits consciousness it is always certain. Holding on to that clarity helps us move forward.
The five senses is how we experience the world outside. Instincts are how we experience the world from within. Tap into your greatest resource.
I like the blog posted below. It’s simple and to the point, and addresses a very difficult and life changing issue; speaking up for oneself. Why is it difficult? Because it also means taking care of ourselves.
Many of us – especially if you are like me; understanding and non-confrontational – think that in order to keep the peace in relationships, we are better off not saying anything and digesting the situation ourselves rather than speaking up. While it is true that we should pick our fights, not saying to others how we feel about the way we are being treated and spoken to will only lead to bad relationships and resentment. It is also not true that issues that bother us can be swept under the rug without consequences. And it is not true it will benefit a relationship — quite the contrary.
When we don’t speak up for ourselves (read: stand-up for ourselves) the message we are sending to our psyche is, we don’t have rights. And soon enough we will believe that to be true.
Now think about an alternative; letting others know when situations that make us uncomfortable occur, that we would appreciate being talked to in a different fashion. Imagine stating that with calm and without resentment. And even if the other person can’t hear it, our psyche will hear us and think: yes, I too have rights.
Now how do we break the habit of not speaking up?
1 – First by realizing by not speaking up for ourselves, we are actually creating resentment which will damage how you feel about the other person.
2 – Realizing that by not speaking up we are not giving the person and the situation the possibility of being different.
3 – Taking a deep breath and speaking from the heart.
4 – Knowing whatever the results are, we are changing the way we see and deal with our own selves.
Please read on.
Why Don’t You Speak Up for Yourself?
By Margaret Paul, PH.D.
Do you have problems speaking up for yourself when others are being uncaring?
My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, “Why didn’t you speak up for yourself?” here are the most common answers I receive: …Continued
Before my husband got sick and passed away, we had a very fun and fulfilling relationship. Many of my friends, both men and women, would ask what our secret was. The truth is; there were no secrets. There was only a great dose of reality. Neither Chris nor I expected the other to fulfill every desire we had in life.
We were aware we were not perfect people. And so when we were faced with each other’s “imperfections” we weren’t disappointed.
We were aware our internal struggles belonged separately to each one of us. We knew we could count on support as we struggled, but we were responsible for our own life decisions.
We spent a lot of time together, but also had the freedom to have a “girl’s night out” or a “boy’s night out.”
We had similar values and most importantly; we loved each other’s company. We also respected each other’s opinion and looked forward to sharing our thoughts and experiences.
A foundation of love and respect carried us through five years of fun, difficulties, struggle, love and contentment. Having realistic expectations of what a partner means in your life is key. Knowing our issues will still be our issues when we come together will save a lot of headaches later. Remember, no one can make anyone else’s life perfect. What we do for one another is love, support and share.
By Dr. Terri Orbuch
Last week I was invited to a wedding shower where the guests were asked to bring a note card with one piece of advice for the new couple.
Most of the cards had typical comments like “Always compromise,” “Be honest and truthful,” or “Never go to bed mad.” As a relationship expert, I knew that the majority of the advice was not supported by scientific findings. So I began to wonder: how much of what people know about relationships is repeated as fact but is more like fiction? …Continued
It’s hard to learn to accept others exactly as they are. If it is a romantic relationship, we see the potential and we want to help our partner get there. If it is a friend or a family member we want them to have the behavior we would have if faced with the same situation. In both cases, if we don’t realize people are different we are destined to have many disagreements and disappointments.
We see and judge the world in a very personal way and we often forget that others see things in different ways. Of course I’m not talking about a group of people thinking it is wrong to rob a bank and another group thinking it is okay. Robbing a bank it’s wrong, period. But how we react to pain, challenge, and accomplishments is personal. In the case of pain some of us might get reckless, or depressed, or go into complete denial. Some of us like to be surrounded by others while others like to be left alone. There is no right or wrong. It is always how we see and process things.
There is also the issue of our own ego. We become peeved when what we are saying is not taken to heart. How many times have we said or listened to someone else say: This is what’s going on and this is how you fix it” only to get upset and frustrated when the advice is not taken to heart?
When it comes to romantic relationships, the lack of acceptance becomes even more of an issue because what happens to one person affects the other. Becoming interested in someone because we think XYZ about them – which bother us – will change once we have the opportunity to work on them, it’s a big mistake. People are the way they are. Either you love them as they are or not.
I just saw the below video on CNNMONEY.com. It talks about a small pharmacy in New York which still thrives even though a Walgreen has moved next door. The owner who is also the pharmacist attributes his success to customer care and his true interest in being personal and helping others.
In this age of pre-recorded messages, employees hiding behind corporations and greed, we are all starved for simple courteous daily connections. I’m not referring to relationships with friends and family, but am discussing brief relationships we have with almost total strangers.
A friend of mine forwarded to me a couple of days ago, an email from her new girlfriend. In this email her new friend listed ten things they had in common. My friend wanted to share the email with me because had been pleasantly surprised by her new friend’s disposition to concentrate on the similarities rather than the differences.
I then thought about a friend of mine who is Muslim Turkish and came to the US to learn filmmaking. While here she met a Jewish Turkish man and they fell in love and wanted to get married. Her family threatened to disown her if she married him even though the two of them had so much in common. My friend was forced to make a choice between the man she had fallen in love with and her family. She chose her now husband but she still hurts for the loss of her family. Her story is one of differences where families’ believes were so frail and non-inclusive that they couldn’t tolerate any differences. Read more
Taking responsibility for our lives means being clear about what we want and don’t want.
Many of us prefer to leave life decisions to the world; we know a situation is going on, we know we need to take a stance but we don’t because it would mean standing up for who we are and what we believe in. So we show up and hope life will make the decision for us, but when we allow for that to happen, we become victims of chaos and become powerless.
I believe the reason we leave some decisions to the gods is 1 – because we are afraid to make a wrong decision and then have to live with the fact it was us that made the choice 2 – we are afraid that we will seem harsh and 3 – that others may not like us as much because we can easily say “yes” or “no” 4 – we have to deal with the fact that others don’t take ownership for their choices and will so prefer to blame us for seeing things clearly.
Any sexual encounter requires some unveiling of ourselves. Even the one-night stand does. We become physically naked, open about our desires, and often feel the pressure to perform; men to show off their skills at lovemaking and women to show their pleasure.
Adding to all of it are such questions as: What does this sex mean to this relationship? Will this last? Is this right for me? What is he or she going to think of me? And when the lovemaking ends and our excitement subside we find ourselves living in a completely different relationship than the one we had before.
How can we navigate these waters without having the feeling of losing our balance?
1 – inner-equilibrium. Being in touch with ourselves and knowing we all have the ability to take care of our limitations, fears and expectations will allow us to enter a relationship with a full commitment to the experience.
2 – Intuition. Listening to our intuition is like listening to an internal alarm. When the experience feels good and we are comfortable our intuition is subtle. When something is amiss or we have crossed our comfort zone it becomes louder than a samba school on the first day of carnival. It is up to us to be connected enough to listen to it. And it is up to us to be respectful and courageous enough to act on it.
I’ve always had a hard time doing that because I have always preferred to suck it up than to confront others and risk arguments or ill feelings. And because I am someone with a great amount of personal resilience, I’ve done some heavy duty sucking up.
But as I dig into who I am and the life I want to live, I realize that at the bottom of my sucking up is a deep seeded feeling that I have no rights. It doesn’t matter where that comes from. It matters how I am going to deal with the feelings now. So I ask myself, why the needs of others – right or wrong – take prevalence over mine? And I realize that if I don’t look out for myself (read: respect) why would I expect others to do so?
Most of us say we are looking for love. But are we really? Or are we looking to cast someone in a role we have developed in our imagination? Are we looking for the classy man who will defend and saves us? Or the beautiful woman who is nurturing and sexy? And once we’ve cast the part, we’ll live happily ever after without ever having a fight or a problem? That’s not being open to love that’s being ready for a casting session.
Loving someone means loving them for who they are; strengths and frailties. It is respecting them as people who like us struggle to make sense of life’s complexities. It is also living in the present.
The first step to really being able to fall in love and be in a good relationship starts with loving ourselves. No knight in shinning armor can rescue anyone and no super hot girl can compensate for a bruised ego. We rescue our own selves and we build our own egos.
As we learn who we are and embrace all parts of ourselves we learn to love others as well. Being there for ourselves and having our own backs allows us to be whole and able to truly share with someone else.
So take the time to get to know you. Feed your heart and soul with small pleasures that give you contentment, ask yourself what is really important to you, slow down and concentrate on life as its happening not as you imagine it should be, laugh as much as you can, and as you are busy living, life will happen to you.