The Right To Feel As We Do

March 24, 2012 by  
Filed under Blog

Photo by Angie Rubin

That’s a tough one, simply because it’s complicated.

We have responses to everything that touches our lives, but sometimes it is difficult to manage all the feelings.  We question ourselves:  Is this my real feeling or is this made-up to cover up for the “truth”?  Do I have the right to feel this way?

Anyone, that has spent time delving into the inner-workings of the self, know we must pull all the layers back – the ones we have created to fit in, or the ones that have been created as a protection mechanism – to find how we truly feel.  And even when we get there, we often have the impulse to explain why we feel the way we do.

I have known and have finally learned that my feelings don’t have to be “right” or “wrong”, but do have the right to exist.

It is a mistake to look at our feelings and try to understand them from a point of view where we need to classify them as good or bad, right or wrong.   If we could instead just look at our feelings as our own response to something or someone without judgment, we would find a great deal more of well-being and compassion for own selves.

Learning to allow our feelings to exist, come as a result of a great deal of inner-working.  It is usually then followed by trusting our instincts and knowing that our core is strong enough to support us in whatever results from our actions.  In that there is great freedom.

Feelings often evade logic and operate at a different cadence.   That is most clear in romantic relationships.  Why do we like each other?  On paper it may not work, but in life it does.  Or the other way around.  Why is that?  Feelings don’t necessarily follow logic.

Often instead of simply acting according to our feelings, we try to explain them away and get others to help in this endeavor.  But, regardless how well-intentioned a friend, partner or family member is, they can’t fully understand and therefore help guide our responses.

It all comes back to an intimate relationship with the self.  Once we have that we learn to give room to our feelings knowing they are valid as they are and regardless of the results we will be okay.

We stand-up for how we feel without anger or judgment with the singular thought of: this is who I am and this is how I feel.




Learning To Stand And Speak Up For Ourselves

July 26, 2011 by  
Filed under Featured

I like the blog posted below.  It’s simple and to the point, and addresses a very difficult and life changing issue; speaking up for oneself.  Why is it difficult? Because it also means taking care of ourselves.

Many of us – especially if you are like me; understanding and non-confrontational – think that in order to keep the peace in relationships, we are better off not saying anything and digesting the situation ourselves rather than speaking up.  While it is true that we should pick our fights, not saying to others how we feel about the way we are being treated and spoken to will only lead to bad relationships and resentment.  It is also not true that issues that bother us can be swept under the rug without consequences.  And it is not true it will benefit a relationship — quite the contrary.

When we don’t speak up for ourselves (read: stand-up for ourselves) the message we are sending to our psyche is, we don’t have rights.  And soon enough we will believe that to be true.

Now think about an alternative; letting others know when situations that make us uncomfortable occur, that we would appreciate being talked to in a different fashion.  Imagine stating that with calm and without resentment.  And even if the other person can’t hear it, our psyche will hear us and think: yes, I too have rights.

Now how do we break the habit of not speaking up?

1                    – First by realizing by not speaking up for ourselves, we are actually creating resentment which will damage how you feel about the other person.

2                    – Realizing that by not speaking up we are not giving the person and the situation the possibility of being different.

3                    – Taking a deep breath and speaking from the heart.

4                    – Knowing whatever the results are, we are changing the way we see and deal with our own selves.

Please read on.

Why Don’t You Speak Up for Yourself?

By Margaret Paul, PH.D.

Do you have problems speaking up for yourself when others are being uncaring?

My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, “Why didn’t you speak up for yourself?” here are the most common answers I receive: …Continued