Can’t Find Love? Here’s Why

January 26, 2011 by  
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Just found the below post on Huffington Post.  I like its direct approach as to why most of us don’t seem to be lucky in love. Marnie, the writer, points the finger back at us.  She poses the question; how can we find fulfilling love if we start of from a place of fantasy and personal confusion?  And I couldn’t agree more.

How can we have a satisfying relationship if we pick partners that will only reenact time and again our own neurosis?  That is not to say that we have to be “perfect” to find a partner and share a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  But there are a few musts:

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Love Lessons From Erich Fromm

January 12, 2011 by  
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“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.”

We are first attracted to someone because of a chemical compatibility.  We want to be with them and can’t get enough of their touch.  It is passion and it is an all burning sensation.

As time goes, passion starts to fizzle and either turns into love or the relationship ends.  When we decide to be with someone we are also making the decision that as we get into life’s routines we will remember and honor the decision made.  That is why a healthy long lasting relationship, requires respect, friendship and commitment.  Because without a doubt there will be many occasions we will feel like throwing everything out for the chance to experience the cycle all over again. Deciding to be with someone and loving them should be based on friendship and admiration for the other person’s values, growth and struggles.

“Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an ordination of character which determines the relatedness of the person to the whole world as a whole, not toward one object of love”

We all have love within us.  It is up to us to connect and embrace this life energy source that is at our disposal.  It isn’t true that we can’t feel love unless we are in love with someone else.  Feeling love is a state of mind and heart that each one of us can apply to our lives and the world.

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.”

If we really want to have a healthy and intimate relationship with another person, we must first acknowledge the love already exists and permeates our lives.   We must know we don’t need to be in an intimate relationship to be in a state of love. We must know no one outside of our selves can turn us whole.  We are whole to begin with.

“Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.”

To be creative, to tap into our most original thinking and dreaming; we must let go of the notion of certainty.  Creativity means exploration.  It means enjoying the process without demand for a specific outcome.

“It is naively assumed that the fact that the majority of people share certain ideas and feelings proves the validity of these ideas and feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth. Consensual validation as such has no bearing on reason or mental health.”

On our search for well-being we are always confronting ideas that are accepted as “normal” by a majority but go against a truth we are in the process of unveiling.  The result can be 1 – feeling outside the norms of society and therefore alone 2 – feeling less than as we are not fighting for the same goals but somehow allow our lives to be measured by those values which we no longer adhere to 3 – feeling like we give more than receive as we become more aware of other people’s needs and rights.

It is important that we continue to remind ourselves that our well-being and mental health is our own journey and the reward is a life well lived. Conforming to a consensual validation goes against finding our own truth.

Erich Seligmann[1] Fromm (March 23, 1900 – March 18, 1980) was a German-American Jewish social psychologist, psychoanalyst, humanistic philosopher, and democratic socialist.

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What It Takes To Love

January 8, 2011 by  
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Just found the below article on Oprah.com and wanted to share it with you.

The post “What It Takes To Love Well And Wisely” discusses the transformative power of romantic love. That is because  in intimate relationships we get to show ourselves in ways we don’t  in other relationships.  We also get to know parts of us which are called upon in romantic relationships.

I believe for a romantic relationship to be “successful” we must first be a complete person; love ourselves, and have our own interests.  It is then we can be vulnerable without the feeling that we are losing ourselves.  It is then we can truly share without feeling we are giving up on our own lives.

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Grown Up Love; Distinguishing Love From Romance

October 13, 2010 by  
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Angie Rubin

I have just come across the below article on Oprah.com and wanted to share with you.  What I like about it is that is shares my opinion that love has more to do with trust, friendship and appreciation than lust and drama.  Love seeks depth while romantic love seeks immediate satisfaction.  Love is build on a strong foundation while romantic love is associates itself with such words as: fast, explosive, overwhelming.

Love makes us feel safe while romantic love keeps us guessing.  Love teaches us it was existed within and it was just waiting to be found out.

Take a read.

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By Joan Konne, Oprah.com

Love is (a) champagne and high heels; (b) a passionate, china-shattering fight, followed by an all-night tango; (c) a constant, nagging feeling of insecurity; (d) none of the above.

I have been researching the subject of love all my life. First, unsystematically, as a girl, trying to follow the programmed prescription — seeking “the one” and living happily ever after.

Next I divorced and researched love as a woman, more systematically, confronting fantasies and failures, possibilities and disappointments, false starts, and at last, beginning 24 years ago, a love that’s enduring and nourishing — at least for the moment (I’ve learned never to take the gift of love for granted)…Continued

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Reminding Ourselves To Look At The Positive

June 18, 2010 by  
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Yesterday, I woke up at 6am, made coffee, and went through in my mind over all the things I needed to do before catching a plane to Florida.

I then sat down at my desk placed my cup next to my computer and thought I wanted to write about romantic love. I let my mind wonder and my heart remember the thrill of meeting someone who makes our heart skip a beat.   But before I could type the first word, coffee was flying everywhere including on my computer.  I had knocked my cup over. I went for a towel and quickly cleaned it all up but by then some keys on my keyboard no longer worked.  I thought maybe there was still some coffee inside my computer.  I looked for a screwdriver but couldn’t find one small enough to open the back of the computer so I picked up a Swiss Army Knife put the blade against the screw but instead of getting the back open I slashed my finger when the blade slid from the screw.

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Love And Kisses

April 10, 2010 by  
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Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.  To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.  ~Kahlil Gibran

But where do we find love, the romantic kind? If you are out of school and have entered the work force, finding that special someone can be a daunting task.  Most of us work full days and then run errands before wanting to vege out in front of a TV.  Weekends are often spent with so more catching up.

We tell our friends and family we would like to be in a relationship but don’t seem to meet enough people.  Someone then suggests what about a dating site, or some other speed dating organization.  So we give it a try and then use some of the hours we would spend with our friends or running errands to sit in front of a computer.  Before we know we are exchanging emails, phone calls and sometimes actual meetings.

This seems to be all well and good except that in all this activity we leave out a very important tool in meeting others; living in the moment.  How many people do we actually interact on a daily basis?  Think about it.  Coffee shops, dog parks, dry cleaners, super-markets, wine bars, movie lines etc.  What if we were open and present?  Could we make friends?  Could we meet someone we could become romantically involved with?  Could we meet someone who could introduce us to someone else?  Maybe.  But just as maybe as meeting someone online.  Plus by living in the moment we build a life with less anxiety and more spontaneity.  We live in the world and we build connections.  So don’t spend all your time running around or in front of a computer.  Go out do things and meet people while having a good time.

How did it happen that their lips came together?  How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill?  A kiss, and all was said.  ~Victor Hugo

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