Love Myths

July 7, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured

I’m always looking for good articles to share with you.  Today I came across the below article by Dawn Raffel based on an interview conducted with Diana de Vegh.

What I love about it, is how clearly talks about our misguided concepts about soul mates and people completing each other.  These are romantic thoughts developed and sustained by society and the media  and mostly directed at women.

If we are not a whole being and living a full life, chances of a loving and healthy relationship is minimal.  I specially like the phrase in the article “There’s no scarcity of love,” she says. “We can find it with our coworkers, with our friends and families, in our dance class. We can love what the world offers us; we can love our own vitality.”

“Everybody has one soul mate.” “True lovers can read each other’s minds.” “All you need is love.” A psychotherapist who’s seen it all pokes holes in some of romance’s little fairy tales and explains why life is saner—and happier—without them.
If we could each pick a few songs to banish from our heads, Diana de Vegh would nominate all those soggy old refrains that say there’s one—and only one—true love for each of us: our better half, our shining knight, the person we’ll be lost without. That line of thought, says de Vegh, a therapist in private practice in New York, isn’t benignly corny—it’s harmful, feeding what she calls the myth of love scarcity.

“In the scarcity model, where there’s only one person out there, we’re all competing for the guy who’s rich and handsome,” she says. Our relationships become fear based: We obsess and clutch instead of creating an environment in which two people try to unfold…Continued


Owning My Own Sex

November 15, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

While reading Lisa Guest’s post ( on her sex journey through her adulthood I thought about my own.

I have been sexually active since I was thirteen years old.  At that time I had a boyfriend who I loved with the heart a thirteen year old could have and he loved me back with his seventeen year old heart.  All was perfect except that my boyfriend was having sex with an older woman.  He told me because he didn’t want to keep anything from me. He explained that the reason he was seeing this woman was because he needed and wanted to have sex.   It didn’t make any sense to me at the time; why would he be willing to have sex with another woman and not me?  He tried to make me understand that I was too young but I wouldn’t hear and so I spent the next three months trying to talk him into having sex with me until I succeeded.

We continued living our love story until I was seventeen and the world was a very big place for me to only be his girlfriend.   Although I don’t recommend to thirteen year old girls to engage in sex – I was lucky my experience was one of love but it could have been disastrous – I only have good thoughts about that time in my life.  It was a different time where AIDS and a lot of other sexually transmitted diseases weren’t as much of an issue as they are today and so I lived my teenage love story with a boy who truly loved me.

Of course I learned very little about sex during that time as I never talked to adults about it and they never thought to tell me the birds and the bees story.

I loved sex but I also learned to use it as a way to feel “loved”.  When I moved to NYC at age eighteen, I had many one night stands and while they were fun when happening, they always left me with a bigger hole than the one I had started with.  That’s actually the reason why I got into my first marriage.  I met someone who I thought would help me get my life back on track, working towards something meaningful and creating some type of a family, and so at age twenty I was tying the knot with a man eleven years older than me who quickly made me look fondly to those lonely days.

I didn’t have an orgasm until I was a thirty two year old divorcee.  It just kind of happened.  I was fooling around with a boyfriend, a nice sweet guy, when it happened.  It was a sensation like none other and I was blown away by it.  After, I wished my mother would have taught me a thing or two or that my girlfriends, who were having their orgasms, would have shared with me how it happened and what it was all about.  I was happy that I finally was having mine, but I wished it hadn’t taken me so long.

Now having an orgasm in a way made things a bit more complicated.  Before having a real one, I wasn’t sure what it was or felt like, so when asked by partners if I had one I would always say “yes”.  I think you can say I was faking.  Not that I didn’t enjoy myself but I was certainly faking the big “o”.

Because so many men don’t really know and sometimes don’t care about female orgasm we go through many sexual encounters that are simply unsatisfying in many levels. So what happened after my first one was that unfortunately I had to continue faking it but now fully knowing I was doing it.

I don’t have kids but if I had daughters I would want to talk to them, when time came, about their sexuality.  I would want them to own their body and desire much more than I had owned mine when I was a young woman.  I think knowing how our pleasure works can empower us as women and can help us have more of a sense of self-respect and a more satisfying sexual life.

When I met my second husband I found in him a sexual and spiritual connection.  Here was a man who really wanted to love and please me while I loved and pleased him.  He also understood that my way of being pleased was my own and it was never a reflection on his abilities.  He was a man in every sense of what the word means.

Today, I am a widow and sexually I haven’t been with anyone for about two years.  Sometimes my body screams to be touched and I think back to those days of one night stands but soon realize those were the days I didn’t understand the depths of that being naked inside and out with another human can be.

I’m not saying that every sexual encounter needs to be with your soul mate.  But I do think for the sex to be truly fulfilling, at least for me, it needs to be profound at the moment that it happens and that the two people are able and willing to share the strengths and weaknesses that make us human.   I guess my requirement is sex between two adults. I have been through too much not to see another person with love and compassion and be seen the same way.

I do know love has many meanings and shades and so does sex but at a certain point in the life of an adult some shades no longer look good on us.  So I probably won’t be having my one night stand any time soon but I do look forward to the possibility of sharing love without being concerned about the hows and whats with another person.


I Feel Nasty

August 22, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

I live in Los Angeles, the car capital of the country where we worship our cars.  Some of us have no money for anything but we have our shinning cars.  As we drive by each other in our shiny cars we have no idea of the dramas playing out in each one of the cars we pass by.

Last night, for some reason, before going out to meet a friend I decided to pull out my unused make up kits. Without really knowing what I was doing, even though I’m way past the age of not knowing what to do, I started putting dark colors around my eyes.  I was going for a mysterious, dangerous look but mostly ended up with black all over my face and sink. 

After cleaning my face and succeeding at keep the eye shadow mostly around my eyes, I put on my long earrings and I looked in the mirror and felt hot and I felt sexy and I felt nasty. 

And I thought back to the time before I had met Chris, to the time I was afraid of my own feelings and thoughts to the time my womanhood my sexuality got me in trouble and often made me feel guilty.  And I thought about the friendships I left behind so I could leave the troubles there as well.

And I drove to pick up a girlfriend and as she got in the car I told her that I was going to be kissing a man that night.  She offered me a dollar but I said she should do better than that, at least a twenty.  And as I said those words I realized I wasn’t going to go through with it.  I wanted to shake things up to be daring.  I wanted to turn a page.  I wanted to move on but the truth is I am not ready yet.  The future is still the future and the past is still the present.

I understand grief has its own time and process.  I’m always in a hurry wanting things to happen now, but in the same way that I fell in love with Chris by getting to know him so is my process of living without him – a day at a time. 

I know the good, respecting, conscientious Deborah lives side by side with the sexy, provocative, playful Deborah.  The key is to learn how to balance all sides as I try to honor my whole being. Good Saturday.