Love Myths

July 7, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured

I’m always looking for good articles to share with you.  Today I came across the below article by Dawn Raffel based on an interview conducted with Diana de Vegh.

What I love about it, is how clearly talks about our misguided concepts about soul mates and people completing each other.  These are romantic thoughts developed and sustained by society and the media  and mostly directed at women.

If we are not a whole being and living a full life, chances of a loving and healthy relationship is minimal.  I specially like the phrase in the article “There’s no scarcity of love,” she says. “We can find it with our coworkers, with our friends and families, in our dance class. We can love what the world offers us; we can love our own vitality.”
Oprah.com

“Everybody has one soul mate.” “True lovers can read each other’s minds.” “All you need is love.” A psychotherapist who’s seen it all pokes holes in some of romance’s little fairy tales and explains why life is saner—and happier—without them.
If we could each pick a few songs to banish from our heads, Diana de Vegh would nominate all those soggy old refrains that say there’s one—and only one—true love for each of us: our better half, our shining knight, the person we’ll be lost without. That line of thought, says de Vegh, a therapist in private practice in New York, isn’t benignly corny—it’s harmful, feeding what she calls the myth of love scarcity.

“In the scarcity model, where there’s only one person out there, we’re all competing for the guy who’s rich and handsome,” she says. Our relationships become fear based: We obsess and clutch instead of creating an environment in which two people try to unfold…Continued

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The Difference Between Love And Obsession

April 29, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

In my never ending web searches for topics to read I came across the article by Deborah Leigh Ketner (http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/42453) about a subject I know a lot about: the difference between love and obsession.

I have truly loved two men in my life.  One when I was fourteen years old (innocent love) and the other my husband, who passed away in 2008 (mature and supportive love).  In between those two relationships, I dated many men but I either was not really interested in them or they were relationships of obsession.

Let me write first about my two genuine loves.  I met Tau (remember I’m from Brazil) when I was thirteen.  We stayed together until I was eighteen.  In those years we traveled and learned about relationship through loving each other.  It was an absolutely trusting, and innocent relationship, neither one of us had much history and we were discovering life together.  Everything was new, exciting and we were there for each other.

When I met my husband, I had plenty of history.  I had also accumulated a lot of heavy baggage but there was also plenty of wisdom which I had picked up along the way.  It was this wisdom that allowed me to really love and be loved.

I had learned that when we NEED someone in order to exist and our body aches when that person is not around, it is not love, it is obsession.  It is about us thinking a particular person has the power to rescue us.  And we want to be rescued because we don’t trust our own ability to take care of and provide ourselves with a rich life.

Loving someone means we don’t NEED them but instead we want to share our lives with them and most importantly we want to support them on their life journey.  That means giving them the foundation to let them go and be whatever is going to allow our loved ones to grow as people and experience life.  There is a huge difference from “you have to stay with me no matter what” or “you can’t do this to me” to “I’m here loving you; go try out life”.

In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person.   In a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power.  By NEEDING someone we give our power away and sometimes the recipients can be quite cruel.  It is a game that gets set up; I give you my life and you abuse it because the truth is I’m needy and you resent me.

Love happens easily and naturally.  No games. Two people meet and they are ready to journey together.  No imprisonments or psychologically empty deals.  It is simply: I love you and I want the best for you.  You love me and you want the best for me. That’s real love.

So if you truly want to experience a deep and loving relationship start by loving yourself.  That is the only way you’ll be able to meet someone and share love and life without being needy or always being scared if that person leaves your world will crumble.  Because that is not love that is obsession.

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