How To Stop Being Self-Destructive

June 25, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

heart on the beach

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Why are we so self-destructive?  Often the answer is fear. Somehow we are afraid of both succeeding and failing in the things we consider important and we turn to aggression and self-destruction as a way of keeping us from truly going after what we desire.

This life dynamics starts early in our development.  Think back to when we were kids and we liked the girl in pigtails or the boy with the banged up knees.  Most of us pulled the girls’ hair or ignored the boy instead of demonstrating how much we like them for fear of being exposed and rejected.

While that behavior can be cute when we are ten years-old it is destructive when we are adults.

If we want a particular job or relationship, we should let everyone know and give it all in the hopes to achieve what we want.  Side stepping or even putting down the job or the relationship will only lower the possibilities of our success.

We have personalized failure to the point that it becomes a reflection or an extension of our essence.  We tell ourselves, we failed because we are not good enough.  That thinking is extremely debilitating and self-destructive.  Who wants to think that of themselves time and time again?

Changing our thinking to; we did not achieve at this moment what we have tried to do because of a number of circumstances, some within our control and some not.  But most importantly is to understand that WE are not failure.

By depersonalizing failure than our fear of putting it all on the line also diminishes because we no longer see our efforts as exposing our inner-selves.

Separating success and failure from our essence is a difficult task.  It takes loving one self and understanding that our value as people rest on who we are.  So how do we achieve the freedom that comes from not worrying about succeeding or failing?  And how do we stop being self-destructive? We invest in understanding and honoring ourselves and learn that success is how we deal with the ups and downs.

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.  ~Mary Manin Morrissey

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