If You Can’t Change Others, Change Yourself

July 20, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

Okay, here is a hard one to learn; we can’t change others but we can change ourselves.  Why do I say it is hard?  Because we are so attached to proving either our truth, intent or fairness, that we keep coming up with different ways to make our point even if every attempt only brings us frustration and disappointments.

There is nothing wrong with trying to communicate our thoughts and feelings but what becomes a waste is when it is obvious that the recipient is not ready or doesn’t want to see things in a different way.  They are stuck in their position and methodology and they are not going to change no matter what we do.

So when we come to that point, then it is time to let go and change our reactions and expectations.  Continuing doing the same reaching out or trying to come up with different ways to still make our point, becomes a reflection of our own inability to accept that which we have no control.  I know it is painful because none of us want to give up on having positive communication and relationships but again sometimes it’s just not possible.  Once we accept that as a fact then it is time to stop trying and embrace things as they are.

That’s when our own transformation takes place.  We stop trying and we protect ourselves from the continuous hurt.  We change our behavior stop our expectations and we accept reality.  In time the frustration diminishes and the possibility of a different relationship opens up.  Trusting the process allows for different outcomes, maybe not the ones we hoped for, but one of less anger, stress and frustration.

  • Winsor Pilates


4 Responses to “If You Can’t Change Others, Change Yourself”
  1. jeff says:

    thank you for this wisdom Iv been married to a woman who only sees the glass half empty and refuses to meet me half way on thought, I found myself alone hurt and in the dark on how to deal with this so anger drove me to look for a way out and now I seek change even to the point if it means to seperate. I know my soul need some peace. Jeff

    • Deborah Calla says:

      Dear Jeff,

      Sorry for the delayed response. I think it is important to live one day at a time with connectedness with our selves. By doing so we find strength and direction. It is hard to find the clarity needed to know how we want our journey to be. But, that is our responsibility. All the best.

  2. Lisa says:

    “We change our behavior stop our expectations and we accept reality”

    –Thank you, so very true. I have spent months arranging my thoughts, writing, in hopes of presenting someone who left with the “truth” that I see; that leaving was not necessary. I don’t know how I thought that might anything better, now, at a remove; it actually seems ridiculous!

    Like you say, sometimes positive communication is simply not possible. Accepting what is (=everything else outside of me) is very liberating, though at first it felt like “settling”. I guess it is a form of settling — settling down. No one will ever see my 7 pgs. of thoughts, but that’s o.k. now.

    I’m going about the only transformation I may effect — that of changing me! And wow, there’s a lot I can do.

    Thank you.