What Love Is

October 4, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

I had a dream about my late husband last night.  Although it’s been over 2 years, it wasn’t until last night that I did get to “see” him again.

In my dream, Chris was wearing a green short sleeved shirt and a sombrero with a tag hanging from the edge.  Physically he looked like the way he did a few months after his liver transplant; healthy and slim. Chris really liked that new trim body although he didn’t care for the way his body got there.

In my dream we were at a very busy restaurant.  Chris was so excited and smiled at everything.  I knew he had passed away but somehow I wasn’t surprised that he was there with me.  At some point a journalist friend – Chris was a writer – walked by our table and in seeing him, stopped.  They hugged each other and the woman then told Chris many of his journalists friends were sitting at a table in the back.  Chris asked if I wouldn’t mind if he went to say hello to them and I said: “Of course not.”  Chris when alive was a very social man and that’s exactly how he was being.

At that point in my dream one of my dogs woke me up.  When my eyes sprung open my first feeling was of joy.  It made me feel so good to “see” Chris especially that happy.  He had suffered so much in the last few months of his life that to see him being himself was a gift.

I looked up what the color green means in dreams because it had been so prevalent visually and sensorially.  It means “new beginnings, rebirth, or resurrection.”

I have missed Chris since his passing. But in the dream as I got to be with him and experience again the relationship we once had, I was left missing him in a different way.

Before we got married we wrote down the positive things we thought we brought to each other’s lives.  One of the things Chris listed was making an espresso for me every afternoon.  It may seem strange to list making coffee as a special gesture.  But he was right.  In coming to my office every afternoon with sugar already stirred in my cup, he was letting me know he remembered, that he was there, and that he knew how many spoons of sugar I liked in my coffee.

Yesterday as a friend drove me home from seeing a film, we talked about relationships.  She shared she didn’t think she was the monogamous type. She said she was feeling a little overwhelmed by her partner’s presence in her daily life.

I thought about what she was saying and I understood. When someone truly becomes special to us a cup of coffee means much more than just a cup and coffee, and until we find that person being monogamous can be a chore rather than a choice. It is not the trips, restaurants or the five star hotels (perks that came with my husband’s work) that I miss.  What I do miss is the feeling of his skin, his smile, and holding hands.  Love is not about cartwheels and fireworks.  Love is about being present, being there.

  • Winsor Pilates


2 Responses to “What Love Is”
  1. John Lee Johann says:

    The dream was beautiful. Being present just as much so.