The Little Girl Inside

December 18, 2009 by  
Filed under Blog

Yesterday I walked around for hours not having a clue as to where I was going. It was like I was the only single person. I was surrounded by couples. I kept noticing that so many were walking side-by-side yet not talking, and no physical contact. I felt so deeply sad for them. Whenever my husband and I would walk down the street we were always talking, laughing, holding hands or with our arms around each other. He always walked next to the street. He always slept next to the door. His theory was they’d have to go through him to get to me. He was always protecting me. And many times he even protected me from me.

Beginning back from when I was a little girl, I developed the habit of ignoring things that I didn’t want to accept. Make believe that it wasn’t real. Make believe that it hadn’t really happened. Or make believe it happened a different way that was easier to accept. When I was in college I studied Narrative Therapy which explained a lot to me about how I think. It is about rewriting the story. We can’t go back in time to change what has happened in our life yet we can recreate the experience and change the memory.

I have wanted to believe that my husband isn’t really gone. That he will come back home. Last week in my dreams there was a knock at the door. Looking out the window I saw him. Clearly it was him. Wearing his red jacket, jeans and Cole Haans loafers, there he stood, waiting for me to open the door. He wasn’t facing the door so I couldn’t see his face, yet I knew beyond a doubt it was him.

That little girl inside me was still holding tightly to her dreams, to not accept reality. For so many years my make-believe world worked. Until now.

I’ve tried to rewrite the story yet the ending doesn’t change. I have lived this past year in a fog, only going through the motions of each day. I can’t ignore that I’m alone. I can’t ignore the silence and the lonelines. I can only change the way my heart listens to the thoughts of the little girl inside, the attitude I bring to my tomorrows…