Love And Relationship Myths

March 21, 2012 by  
Filed under Featured

There is something amazing that happens when we stop looking for others to love us because we feel unloved or because we need someone to fill up a hole within. We actually become able to experience love. Not Hollywood love, not puppy love, but mature and profound love.

When we have spent time getting to know ourselves and have come to enjoy our own company, we are never alone.

When we discover that love comes in many ways and can be experienced in a daily basis, we are no longer starved.

When we find that we can have fun with friends, family or by ourselves, we no longer are dependent on the myth that happiness can only come from a partnership and we smile broadly.

When we finally realize we are complete as we are and don’t need another person to become whole then we are ready to be in love.

A successful relationship is one where two people come together to share their vision of a journey and support each other as they travel. Not as halves, but as two self-sufficient individuals leading complete lives.

Once we feel good about whom we are and the work we do, loving someone else is based on self and mutual respect.  Not a relationship out of need, but one born out of partnership.

Nurturing joyful love needs freedom to stretch and grow.  Needing someone else to feel complete acts as the exact opposite.  We become needy, desperate and most likely incapable of truly experiencing the wonder of love.

Sooner or later we all face our own nature, but if we have forged a relationship with the self we are never alone and always in love regardless of being in a partnership or not.

Please read on…


By Dawn Raffel

“Everybody has one soul mate.” “True lovers can read each other’s minds.” “All you need is love.” A psychotherapist who’s seen it all pokes holes in some of romance’s little fairy tales and explains why life is saner—and happier—without them.

If we could each pick a few songs to banish from our heads, Diana de Vegh would nominate all those soggy old refrains that say there’s one—and only one—true love for each of us: our better half, our shining knight, the person we’ll be lost without. That line of thought, says de Vegh, a therapist in private practice in New York, isn’t benignly corny—it’s harmful, feeding what she calls the myth of love scarcity…Continued



Our Legacy

May 2, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

dante_0777I just watched “Batman Begins” again.  I think Christopher Nolan (writer/director) is brilliant.  He wrote and directed the last two Batman films in the series. But this post is not about him.  It’s about the scene where Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is looking at his destroyed castle – which had belonged to his parents – and says to Alfred (Michael Caine):  “I lost my parents’ legacy”.  To which Alfred responds: “Your parents’ legacy is more than bricks and cement”.  It’s a simple exchange that really drives the point home because we are not talking about a simple house.  We are talking about Bruce Wayne’s mansion.

We often belief that our lives and/or legacy are made off things.  The homes cars and money we do or don’t have.  But the truth is our legacy is how we impact other people.  How lives are changed because of us.  A hand, word, gesture, hug we gave to someone who was in need.

When my husband was alive, because of his work, we dined at the best restaurants in the world and we were regular guests at five star hotels.  While I remember those times they are no more than distant memories. On the other hand I feel his love and respect for me.  I remember how fair he was and how he made me value myself.  He impacted my life for the better and I think of him every minute because of his love.

So don’t judge yourself by the material things you have or haven’t accumulated but instead ask yourself how available are you to being there for others and how much of your life is about growing and evolving as a human being, because that is your true legacy.


A Dog Without An Owner

May 1, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

I am in Brazil visiting my family and have just got off the phone with a childhood friend.  The call was mostly about making plans for tomorrow but before we hung up she said: Debinha (that’s how my friends in Brazil call me) please say something.  I said “what do you mean?” and she responded “I’m feeling like a dog without an owner.”

What she meant was she didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere.  She’s a woman in her forties, who’s not in a relationship, and who lives alone.  I told her we are all dogs without owners.  What I meant to say was feeling lonely came from within not from being or not in a relationship.

When we are feeling well, we entertain and keep ourselves company.  We listen to what we want to do and we follow up on our desires the best way we can.  We feel whole and because we are okay with our own selves, we are also okay with others and the world. Being with others is in addition to the way we are already feeling.

When we are not well, we feel lonely and abandoned.  So feeling like a dog without an owner in reality has little to do with being with others or not.  It really is about ourselves.  Just ask how many times have you felt alone in the middle of a large group of people?

I told my childhood friend to stop thinking and get out of the house.  “Keep yourself in motion.  The more you think how things are not the way you want them to be, the more pity sets in” I said.  I know from experience this type of thinking is unhealthy.  It is the type where we are the masters of the universe and everything that we consider to be wrong is our fault.  It is the thinking that points to our incapacity to find happiness simply because we are no good.

Each one of us has specific reasons why we feel lonely or why we beat ourselves over the head when we are already down on the ground.  But one universal solution to this phenomenon is to not indulge in it.  “Distract yourself when you start thinking about all the wrong things in your life.  Watch TV, go for a walk, call a friend to talk about the funnies but don’t indulge in your pity for yourself” were my parting words to my childhood friend.

Being our own best friend requires a willingness to peel the layers of the onion and look within.  It takes a willingness to give ourselves a hand when we need it instead of running out and looking for someone else to do so.  It takes realizing only ourselves are a constant companion in our lives.  But if we can do that we’ll never feel like a dog without an owner as we are both the dog and the owner.


Just One Day Without Expectations

April 30, 2010 by  
Filed under Blog

When my husband passed away I felt myself withdrawn from normal everyday conversations. My life felt like anything but normal. His last year on this earth had been filled with doctors and hospitals. Our world had been switched to living on hospital time. Time stood still. My entire focus had been taking care of my husband, anticipating his every need. It was like living in a bubble with one topic of conversation; mortality.

Accepting that no matter how much you try to live a healthy lifestyle, it may not be enough. Accepting that some chapters in our life end no matter how much we fight to keep them open. Paralyzing fear challenges our faith. Confidence can get replaced by insecurity.

To search for meaning while fighting the emotions that you don’t fit in anymore are mentally and physically exhausting. Continually faced with new situations, where and how do we find the courage to stand strong? It seems that one minute we are full of confidence. Then in the blink of an eye, insecurity overcomes your person. Thoughts go flat line. Words escape you. Why?

As an educator and mentor I advocate being kind to yourself. To self reflect asking “Did you do the best you could?” when goals fall short. That’s truly all we can ask of ourselves. A basic principle. Why am I having such difficulty in applying that to me?

Can you make it through a day without expectations of the day, of people, of yourself, of life? twitter @ zen_habits (Leo Babauta)